Attempts at Vanity

White Lingerie

November 28, 2014


It is my belief that white underwear is the biggest con in the lingerie world. Is anyone buying this stuff and not becoming more bitterly disappointed with every wear?

The first time you wear it, all is good. It’s pristine and bright and looks nice against your skin and everything seems pure and beautiful. Then that day ends. You can’t wear the bra for a second day, because it’s white and IT KNOWS EVERYTHING. Not like those reliable black bras, that will hide your dirty little secrets, no, no no, the white bra will scream your double-underwearing from the rooftops. Or that’s how it feels.

From that point it’s all down hill. The bra will soak up every substance that is stain-able – from deodorant stains to foundation stains to sparkley bronzer stains (because the glitter tits look is huge this decade), and if you wear fake tan you’re completely screwed. A white bra is good for one wear and one wear only, before it maintains a constantly filthy hue no matter how often you wash it.

If you do manage to pull some wizadry with the washing machine and remove the stains, you can be sure that the bra will have fraternized with a black sock somewhere along the way, and is now a not so charming shade of murky grey that will never gleam against your skin again. Ever.

White bras are determined to make spectacles of themselves and point out all of your shortcomings. When your clothes bunch up, slip down or just casually rearrange themselves, you can be sure that white bra strap will be poking out, making sure everyone knows that they’re looking at your underwear. Making a mockery of your outfit and your fashion prowess. Being centre stage in that photo that keeps showing up on everyone’s Facebook feed because it’s a good picture of everyone else involved. If it was a black bra strap you wouldn’t mind. It would tie in with the outfit, it would probably look intentional. But no one intentionally shows old murky white stainy McGlitter cups. A white bra is on a mission to embarrass you and nothing else.

What are they even good for? You can’t even wear them under white clothing, because they show through. You have to wear tan bras under white clothing. Anything too strappy just encourages them to try and break out and show their filthy selves to the world. You have to bury them under huge winter woolen jumpers and try and ensure your significant other doesn’t catch sight of the murky monstrosity, lest he begin conflating your breasts with dirty, grey, tired, depressing monotones. There goes your sex life.

I can’t say the knickers are much better. They do tend to remain free from make up and sparkles better than the bras (unless you’re vajazzling, in which case you must know that you are master of your own misery) but they hold a secret power. No woman on earth dares to wear white knickers on her period. Not even for two days before or after. Never. Why? Obviously once you’ve had a few periods and get used to them and their associated tampon/pad/mooncup paraphernalia, and really how often do you have a situation with spillage and  staining and ruined knickers? Pretty much never. But we all know that if we were to risk it by wearing white knickers during the monthly cycle we’d not only jinx ourselves, we’d summon the demons from hell to gush forth from our vaginas in blood rivers of fury drowning not only our knickers and bathrooms, but probably anything unfortunate enough to be in a five block radius. That’s the power of white underwear. It can’t be trusted.


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