Rants and Whimsy

Thoughts on Eurovision

May 12, 2014

I come from a non-Eurovision country. As such, this spectacle was not piped into our living rooms yearly, though we did often see highlights the following week on topical comedy shows featuring the more insanity driven acts. So, living in London these last 5 years Eurovision has been a bit of a puzzle to me. I don’t quite know what to think. I have it on good authority that there was formerly some kind of Pacific Song Contest where New Zealand used to compete against other ocean dwelling nations in a bit of a sing song extravaganza. But then the 70s ended and we all got off the drugs and got back to business.

So why has this Eurovision thing endured so well? After watching the finale on Saturday night and attempting to drink enough wine to alter my mind set to one of understanding, I have a few questions and responses that I need to get off my chest.


1. Is anyone taking it seriously?
Is it serious? Or are we all taking the piss? Or maybe, some of Europe is serious and some of Europe is taking the piss? Do we have a conclusive list of who is having a laugh and who has an underground bunker built especially for strategic Eurovision plotting? Maybe it’s only the UK who is actually taking the piss, but as we’re not doing it quite well enough with a full arsenal of mockery and satire no one else in Europe actually realises we’re being sarcastic and as such we end up looking like the sulky emo kid in the corner half heartedly participating with unknown acts and washed up relics. Thoughts and ideas from Europe welcome please, because I really am a little lost on this point. Though I do think that if we are going to take the piss we need to recruit a master. Lily Allen for next year’s British entry, please.

2. Maybe it’s for our own snarky enjoyment?
Most people watch to giggle at Graham Norton’s sass. If this is what the nation wants, why can’t we take it to the next level? Every week grab some kind of fluffy extravagance fresh from the television screens of Europe, play it on British TV with Graham casually bitching over the top. This would be excellent Thursday night viewing.

3. Cake vs Facial Hair
During the semis it looked like cake was taking over as the theme of the contest. There was the Latvian Bake a Cake ditty, and the Sweet Cheesecake nonsense from some grease ball complaining about his girlfriend. He would be well advised to just take what he can get and not ask too many questions. However, with Latvia not making it to the finals, facial hair became the rage of Saturday night, with Austria’s lovely Conchita Wurst and France’s bouncy moustache number. Didn’t fare so well in the voting, did it France? Seems that Europe said a collective “Fuck you, France, we can still see your chin. Try harder”.

4. Can we just put hamster wheels in gyms now?

5. Iceland.
We’re not immune to fluff down under. Did anyone else suspect the Icelandic dudes might have been The Wiggles‘ uncles? Of course, The Wiggles were children’s entertainment. Know your audience.

6. You can pair tight, shiny trousers with a death stare.
Thanks Norway. You brought Victoria Beckham’s signature look to the masses.

7. All that leather
It was everywhere. If I’m honest, I did suspect that a lot of it was pleather, though. There were some people there who I’m sure are on a European Leather Blacklist, and retailers are prohibited to sell the genuine article to them. It’s the easiest way to keep the fabric ‘cool’.

8. Why doesn’t the Vatican enter?
Next year I want a dancing pope. I’ll settle for sequined nun, or a cardinal getting his crunk on.

10. Conchita was A. May. Zing.
Not just because of the beard. We all know beards are awesome. And hers is especially beautiful. But did you see her eye make up? OMIGOD. She has perfected the dramatic smokey eye. That shit was outrageously gorgeous. And then, when she was listening to the voting and kept getting all the top points, she was crying and sniffling and tearing up all over the show. Then what happened? She went back on stage and sang without a single eyelash out of place. Not one smear of eyeliner down her cheek. I fuck up my eye makeup while waiting for the bus. She can cry in front of millions of people and still look immaculate. She is a magical fucking unicorn and she needs to do You Tube tutorials now.

11. If Poland wanted to be sexy did they consider just doing pole dancing?
Boobs and puns are a brilliant combination.

12. Hard times for Glinda the Good Witch
I suppose that since the deaths of the Wicked Witches of the East and the West the logical thing to do was to present Eurovision. It fills time.

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