Rants and Whimsy

Things you can do in a women’s bathroom

September 11, 2015


Some of you may know that recently I’ve been having a few stomach issues. A food intolerance reared its ugly head and just an overabundance of eating out started to play havoc with my digestive system. So I was told to calm the duck down and stay home for a bit, eating plain food. Boo!

Ergo, I really have cut down on my dining out and fancy foodiness. But all these trips to reasonably public female lavatories have got me thinking about the unwritten code of conduct that the ladies bathroom brings with it. Seriously, it exists. Not everyone follows these rules, to be sure, but I think each of us has this powder room penal code ingrained in us from an early age. To be honest, it’s mostly fucking stupid and I think we should just quit it. It’s like, don’t just be thinking you can wander into a girly restroom and behave like you usually do. Oh no, there’s a whole system of judgement and shame going on here.

Re-glittering your tits Acceptability rating: 100% Really, any kind of makeup application is embraced in the girls toilets. I’d even go as far as to say that the odd stray eyebrow pluck is totally accceptable. Using the hand-dryer as a blow dryer Acceptability rating: 70% A slightly risky move that can result in a funny story to share later if all goes wrong, but good hair is worth the risk. Strutting in the full length mirror Acceptability rating: 85% You go, Glen Coco. You need to strut, just to see how that dress looks when you move. Being fabulous in bathroom is what it’s all about, just don’t hog the mirror. Talking about boys Acceptability rating: 90% Or anyone, really. Just as long as you’re totally sure they’re not hiding in that locked stall at the end... Period paraphernalia Acceptability rating: 60%+ This gets more & more acceptable the older you get (thankfully). But if you spend too long rustling that tampon wrapper we’re all gonna think you’re eating crisps in there. Spraying perfume everywhere Acceptability rating: 40% This is actually annoying as hell. Everyone pretends to be ok with it, because you’re supposedly making it smell nice in here, but I can’t breathe. Stop it. Peeing Acceptability rating: 45% If you must. But do it quietly and daintily. No pissing like a horse. In fact just time it so that someone is washing their hands while you go. Thanks. Pooping Acceptability rating: 0% Jesus Christ in a chocolate fountain just fucking no. What the hell do you think this is? How dare you do something so disgusting in here, you filthy skank! Vomiting Acceptability rating: 5% Sometimes it happens. You know that, I know that. But people will look at you like you’re really, really drunk. Or bulimic. Prepare for the judgement express.

FYI, this is not to be taken as an endorsement of the above system. I very much envy men for their ability to poop openly in poop appropriate places, and frankly if a toilet isn’t a poop appropriate place then what the hell is?! Down with pooping and vomiting guilt, dammit!

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