I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m an angsty bitch with a short temper and very little time for your shit. I spend an inordinate amount of time feeling angry about the tiniest of things. Bitching, cynicism and general gloom are the major food groups on my healthy Frankie pyramid and I thoroughly enjoy a good moan.
However, as much as I may try, I can’t be upset about everything. I’ve found that in order to remain pissy about the weird and insignificant things I’ve had to let go of some of the issues that are more commonly thought of as aggravating by the general population. I like to keep people on their toes, so you won’t find me getting irritated by any of these, even as everyone else is knee deep in Facebook comments getting sassy and WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THEY CARE SO MUCH.
Camera flashes in restaurants
So many people are quick to point out that they never use a flash when photographing food in restaurants because only a terrible fucking person would do such a thing. I don’t care. If it’s super dark, you’ve only got your phone camera or you’ve put the wrong lens on your DSLR, sometimes you need a quick flash. Yes, I know the photo won’t be as good as if you went there at midday and got a glorious shot by the window in the natural light. That option isn’t frigging available to you though, is it? And frankly I’m more annoyed about food blogs packed with blurry low light shots.
Apparently the flash is annoying to other patrons, but have you ever noticed that people only get angry about it when it’s a food pic coz they get all morally superior? Ooooh, you’re photographing your food, no one cares, you’re a pretentious wanker, they yell. Ok, they don’t really, but they seethe on the internet in that vein. Well, people go to fancy restaurants all the fucking time with family on special (or not so special) occasions and snap pics of each other and get group pics and annoy the fuck out of waiters and people at neighbouring tables asking them to take pics, no one bats an eyelid.
If the restaurant is dark, a flash will be used and it will glance across the entire room. You think your great aunt Bertha knows how to turn her fucking iPhone flash off in a dark restaurant at uncle Cedric’s 70th? No she fucking doesn’t, and even if she did she wouldn’t put up with the blurry ass result.
Texting in theatres
I have friends who get into actual fights with other patrons because of this. This is their prerogative and I’m definitely not saying you should be texting in theatres. I’m saying that I do not give a fuck when other people do it. At all. I barely notice and don’t find myself disturbed by the light. Other people are disturbed and I sympathise, but I’m personally not annoyed.
Before you all jump down my throat, I don’t text in theatres. If I’ve paid to see something I’m going to watch the thing I’ve paid to see and I don’t care about my phone. But if hypothetical Steve in front of me is texting his mum in an emergency or playing Sonic the fucking Hedghog, as long as he has the sound off I just don’t give a toss. If the movie is boring at least it gives me something to read over his shoulder.
Did you see the cinema that got shit for floating an idea of having “texting allowable” screenings? It’s here. A small section of the cinema at certain screenings would be reserved for people who want to use their phones. Everyone went batshit and screamed for the person who had the idea to be fired. “WE DON’T WANT THAT!” they yelled. Well, obviously enough people do because apparently every one of them has seen someone on a phone in a theatre and they’re angry about it.
So, instead of sticking all those phone people in one screening where they can be easily avoided by people who hate this kind of thing they voted to continue being annoyed in the hope that irritating people would just suddenly disappear off the face of the earth if they whined loud enough. Good luck with that.
Don’t see it, don’t notice it, don’t care. I’ll occasionally give household surfaces a cursory wipe, but being a slave to a clean TV table is a stupid fucking idea. I’m all for cleaning up food stuffs. I’m pro making sure shit is hygienic and you have enough knickers to get you through the week… But fuck making every fucking surface sparkle. Fuck it.
Selfies in inappropriate spaces
I am not the selfie police and I don’t get to define where everyone else should be taking photos of themselves. Essentially, do what you want with your own image, I don’t care. Just don’t get in the way and don’t fall into a canyon.
Faffing about at counters
My husband gets sooooo persnickety about people taking time in front of the cashier to get their money out, count out the correct change and eventually put their wallet away in the correct position in their bag. I just don’t care. Full disclosure: I probably am one of these people.
Look, women don’t generally have clothes with pockets, so we have to have handbags and that complicates shit. I don’t want to be dealing with my money situation outside on the street in Muggersville just so you can pay for your Mint Aero at the Co-op 30 seconds earlier. Deal with it or give us pockets. Seriously, even when I think I’m ordering stuff with pockets, it usually turns up with those fake pockets. Fake pockets! Now there’s something that actually does annoy me.
So there you go. Maybe all this apathy makes me a bad person. Well, I don’t care about that, either.