Joy and Gluttony, London Love Story, Rants and Whimsy

Things I learnt at #ZomatoParty

July 14, 2015


Another week, another party. This time it was a Friday night shindig at Earlham Street Clubhouse in Covent Garden to celebrate Zomato’s seventh birthday. We all know that making mistakes in life is a good thing, as long as you learn something. Ergo, I can keep up the drunken debauchery as long as I keep publishing lists of things I learnt. That’s how this all works.

1. Sheepa has a blog called “Food That Makes You Smile“. This is wrong. I had always suspected this, but now it has been conclusively proven that her blog should in fact be called “Food That Makes Unicorns Fly Out Of Your Vagina With Orgasmic Bliss When You Eat It, Oh God, The Noms”. Not the catchiest of URLs, I grant you, but it’s honest. I had two pieces of her amazing cake, and half of Leanne‘s because she’s a lightweight. I even yelled at someone when they tried to fob me off with a piece from the middle of the cake which had no icing on it. Just no. I’m serious about cake, especially while drinking.

The-Mayfairy-Zomato-Party-Cake The-Mayfairy-Zomato-Party-Candles-Cake

2. Naming cocktails after shit that was awesome in the 90s is a fantastic idea. Hello, Cool Runnings. Get in my belly.

3. Longhurst is a difficult word for Japanese people to say. I don’t know what you’re going to do with this information, but my intuition tells me that if you hold this card close to your chest you shall prosper. (Thanks for the info, Erin!)

4. I say terrible things when I’m around Connie. I don’t know why, I just do. It’s ok though, because some of them are funny. (It’s not ok).

5. Speaking of Connie, she definitely put the ‘con’ in ‘reconnaissance mission’. As in, if you send her on one, she will come back with all the wrong information.


6. Alexandra‘s feet are sexier than yours. They’re all dressed up with full throttle lust and everything. Even when posed next to toilet paper on the floor, those shoes will make you pant.

7. Learning stuff while drunk is definitely beneficial. Do you know how to pronounce Mrija? I do. It’s like “Bridge-a” but you put an “M” at the front instead of a “B”. Why do I know that? She taught me, like two years ago, when I was drunk. Best memory retention trick ever. If only we could get it into schools. (May not be perfect pronunciation, but I’m doing better than a lot of people. So there.)

8. When its the end of the night, you’ve had many glasses of gin, vodka, wine and whatever they decided to put in that cocktail, you’re talking to someone and you’re 85% sure you know who they are, it’s kind of rude to ask them to verify that information halfway through the conversation. I was chatting to Michael and I thought it was him and then he was going on his usual bent complaining about the use of ‘slaw’ rather than ‘coleslaw’, when my drink addled brain started to wonder, “what if there’s two of them?! Maybe a whole army of cynics is crusading against slaw!” Nope. I just made a fool of myself yet again. In my defense it has been six months since I last saw him and I’ve had rather a lot to drink since then.

9. Amanda has some sort of secret compartment (I’m thinking a second stomach) that she keeps hidden with the cunning use of a high tech cloaking devise that stays activated at all times. Seriously. This girl eats ALL of the pizza, and I don’t believe for a second that it’s going down into her human stomach and being digested in the usual way whatsoever. She’s teeny tiny with shiny hair. Pizza doesn’t do that to people who ingest food in the normal way. I should know. I’ve spent many years just trying to make it work.


10. The ladies lavatories in Earlham Street Clubhouse is one of the many places in London where you can find a drunk squid egging you on for a fight. I say go for it, drunk squid. Especially if you come across the prat who grabbed my arse. Smack him for me, squiddy!


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