Welcome to The Mayfairy visits the Money Supermarket Epic House Party, also known as Katie-Brennan-Gets-Me-Really-Very-Drunk-Part-Three-Is-She-Trying-To-Sleep-With-Me-Or-Is-She-Just-On-A-Crusade-Against-Sobriety? If you missed parts one and two, catch up and sort your life out.
Now, in reality it wasn’t just Katie trying to get me drunk. Much of this was Flick’s fault. And Steph stood idly by and watched it all happen without getting all messy coz she’s a professional. I will assume absolutely none of the blame myself, for I was drunk. How could I know what was going on? But somehow I managed to acquire the following lessons from a hard, hard night and an even harder morning.
1. Five glasses of wine in one evening is not a good idea. I already I had suspicions about three glasses of wine, so I’m not sure why I pushed it to five. The research has come back, though, and the conclusions are definite. Don’t do it.
2. Mama’s Jerk Chicken is fucking fabulous. Eat as much as you can, you never know when five glasses of wine are going to be foisted upon you.
3. When Rosie invites you to a party on a boat, there might not actually be a boat involved. Or a river, lake, large body of water, or any kind of liquid. Except wine. There will be a large body of wine and I will apparently drink all of it.
4. Sometimes Katy wins a bottle of Prosecco. Sometimes in a slightly tipsy stupor she’ll say something silly like “I don’t know what I’m going to do with this”. Yelling “Well you could stick it in your fucking vagina or you could just drink it” helps no one and is probably rather offensive. I’m sorry Katy. Please know it wasn’t really my fault, Flick got me drunk. Though I’m willing to bet you did take my rather good advice and drink it in the end, instead of inserting it into your vagina.
Realistically, I know you probably wouldn’t tell me if you did. We’re not really close enough yet to be swapping vagina tales, but please don’t feel like you can’t. This is a judgment free zone…. however it’s not an awkward free zone and this has gotten slightly weird. I’m going to Google puppies until point five makes an appearance…
5. When I was about 17 there was a guy who my friend vaguely liked. He’d turn up at a lot of the same parties that we would. One time we saw him dancing and we were sober enough to take note. He was very tall, gangly (well over 6 feet) and he would stand completely still looking up off into the distance with a melancholy expression while circling his hands around in horizontal spheres in front of him. This was bloody bizarre. From this point on us girlfriends all danced like this and hysterics ensued.
However, no one who knows this history lives in Britain. Why I decided to resurrect these somewhat dodgy dance moves in a room full of professional folks with cameras for absolutely no comedic value, I don’t know. But I do know not to do it again.
6. If you are the lovely food blogger who has spoken to me at two events now (the first being Tug) I’m very sorry but I have no idea who you are. Now, please don’t take this as an insult. I was drunk, remember, and it was the end of the evening. Also, I do know that I knew who you were at the time, because I was excited to meet you and I remember the feeling of “oh it’s that person”. It’s just that the actual memory of your identity somehow got squished out of my brain in all the excitement. Probably to make room for more wine.
I think the word “fancy” might be in your blog title. If this is you, please let me know who you are so I can be nicer to you. I hope I didn’t say anything to offend you, because I really don’t know what what we were talking about but I had positive feelings at the time. If I was a dick, please feel free to blame Flick.
7. Photo booths are awesome. Especially ones with hats that look like fish. Telling random photo booth guy that he should make more of an effort to be in all of the photos is not so awesome. He’s working, Frankie, and you’re annoying.
8. Sometimes a friend has sex, and we all have to jump around the room in celebration. Not while they’re doing it, of course. After the fact, during the sharing circle.
9. Starting a conversation about pubic hair is never a bad idea. You learn a lot and you feel accepted and at one with the universe. Wine may also help with this.
10. Beer pong is fun to watch. Wine is easy to spill. These two things go hand in hand.
11. If someone is wearing ridiculously awesome shoes and that person is originally from the same country as you, it’s fine to take a little bit of credit for their fashion prowess even though you feel none of their pain. Sorry Steph, I think I stole some of your glory.
12. My breasts are an excellent conversation starter.