Most of the time bloggers love comments on their blogs. They can’t get enough. They mean people are reading your blog, liking your blog and engaging with your heartfelt ramblings. But there are two kinds are hell-on-a-stick comments that are despised all the way to the very depths of hell. If the devil blogged (PitchforksAndEternalDoom.blogspot.com, if you’re wondering) he’d collapse in a fiery fit of spasmodic anger every time some self obsessed muppet left one of these pieces of internet gutter input on the bottom of his quirky little list blog “10 Things I’ve Shoved Up Hitler’s Arse This Week”.
No, I’m not talking about your usual spam; dodgy English, porn site links, fake designer goods, nonsense copy. No one likes those either, but we have effective spam filters to catch them and they’re just a common side effect of living on Internet Street that most people can deal with calmly. I’m talking about a more insidious kind of spam. Stuff like this:
1. The “I’m not really reading your blog, I’m just demanding you pay attention to me” comment.
Even when the blog you’ve written is the best cat post ever. It goes a little something like this:
- Great post! Follow me on Bloglovin! bloglovin.com/rudeandobnoxious
- Visit my blog theworldrevolvesaroundme-whyhaventyourealisedyet.com!
- I like cats too! See all my makeup looks and pictures of my labia wearing 50 different shades of lipstick over on my blog LipstickAndVulvas.com I post twice a week and I’d really appreciate if you could join my emailing list, my Twitter and my Bloglovin and then just stalk me as often as possible so PRs see that I’m really popular and send me lots more yonic makeup!
This breed of comment doesn’t add anything to the conversation, it’s just blatant self promotion. It’s just bossy. Bitch, you’re gonna try tell me what to do on my own blog? Just all of the NO.
2. The copied and pasted platitudes
This one can be a little trickier, because it tries to look like a genuine comment and tries to fool you with flattery. It usually ends with just a casual blog link, but loads of genuine comments do that too!
- Happy Monday! I’m so happy I stumble upon this blog it’s so inspirational! I just rang the Dalai Lama and we spoke about you for seven whole minutes because we’re so happy this blog is in the world! Lot’s of love, SneakyAndEgotistical.com
- This is a truly wonderful post and I’m so happy I found it! Keep writing wonderful stuff like this. I’m over at FakeAndFoolingYou.com
- I love following this blog, it’s really the highlight of my day every time you post. Maybe you could check me out too? TalkingOutOfMyBigOldBottom.com 🙂 xxx
This is far more devious. It’s only discovered when you start to wonder because you see the same comment on another blog you’ve been reading. Or maybe your heckles are raised when you realise that it doesn’t actually mention anything you wrote in the blog, even though the post is about what your neighbour does with his weasel and there’s no way someone would read that and not have a very strong opinion on the underpants incident. So you Google the comment, then sit agape as every fucking blog in Christendom (and beyond) appears on the screen with the EXACT same comment.
Oh, so you comment on 300 blogs every night? You’ve found a great way to promote yourself without actually having to read anyone else’s icky content? You are a punk weasel frog and I’m reporting you for spam.
Which is worse? Number one doesn’t even try to pretend. It’s just straight up, out there terrible and I think usually posted by newbies and people who just have no idea. Maybe we could all have a quiet word with these folk and they would appreciate the good advice. Maybe not.
Number two just sucks the soul out of everything I love about blogging. It’s social media. The social part is important, folks. A big part of successfully being social is not being an obnoxious twat 300 times over every night.
This year I made a conscious decision to comment on more blogs I enjoy. I’ve always read a lot of blogs, just not commented very often. Then I realised how much I enjoyed comments on my own blog and decided to share the love. I often pass blogs over for commenting purposes if it doesn’t interest me or I can’t think of anything good to say. Some blogs don’t invite a lot of comment. I think that’s how it should be. Basically, blog commenting is not all about you. It’s about the blog you’re commenting on. Sometimes you may just read a blog and enjoy it for what it is and not get any promotion out of it for your blog whatsoever. And that’s o-frigging-k.