Attempts at Vanity

The 5 ways shoes will try and break your heart

September 18, 2014

Shoes Illustration

Shoes are one of the best parts about being alive. Due to the fact that feet are altogether rather lumpy, unattractive slabs of meat, we need shoes to offset all that hideousness and keep us feeling good about our podiatric extremities. They’re also useful for kicking, walking on rubble and appearing taller than you actually are. What’s not to love?

Well, sometimes I feel that shoes wish to spite us. They can be a difficult mistress to manage. So, today I bring to you “The undeniable truths of shoe wearing for people who aren’t driven everywhere”:

1.If you have shoes that are seasonal (sandals for the summer months etc) they will inevitably take the full length of that season to break in. The last day of the season that you are able to realistically wear those shoes will be the only day they feel truly comfortable.

2. Number one is especially true if the shoe is so cutting edge that it’s unlikely to be fashionable the following year. How many people are only now breaking in their jellies, annoyed that it’s already September and fully aware that it’s entirely possible by June next year the whole trend will seem pretty ridiculous?

3. If you attempt to buy sensible heels for running around and going to work in, (because you want to look awesome while being productive) they will only appear sensible on the journey to work. Once you’re there the pain will set in and you will start to dread your journey home like nothing else. You may as well have worn the high ones, the ‘sensible’ option probably only bought you an extra half and hour.

4. Your small toe will only put in a formal request to upgrade your shoe to a half size bigger after you’ve scuffed the soles too much to return them to the store. This after you spent a good 15 minutes wearing the shoes in store and walking around, up and down stairs, looking like a muppet to ensure you had the right size.

5. The comfort factor of a shoe is directly inverse to how good it looks. In fact, if you find a beautiful shoe and realise that it’s actually heavenly on your soles you’re guaranteed to be only 3 steps away from scuffing the toe hideously. The best you can hope for is that you just rip the sole away from the shoe a little destroying the waterproof factor but keeping the integrity of the basic aesthetic. Sure, your toes will be filthy and damp, but you will still look put together to the casual observer.


Sigh. Why you do this to me, shoes?

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