Rants and Whimsy

The 5 things I hate about your blog that I’m too afraid to tell you

November 18, 2015


I’m a blogger. I blog. That’s what this is. A blog. As such, I also read a lot of blogs. We all know that some blogs are more enjoyable than others. Some are thoroughly enjoyable content wise, but it’s the little things that niggle so.

Of course, I don’t have the tits to tell you my problems with your blog to your face unless we’re really super, ultra close. Like, if I haven’t seen you naked I probably can’t tell you. It would be like punching your baby in the face. Repeatedly. Until it passes out. While we can all agree that some babies are immeasurably improved and much nicer to be around after a good knock out blow, parents don’t usually thank you for your well intentioned intervention. So I’ll just blog this shit and leave you to your own child rearing devices.

Annoying Shizz 1: Not making your links open in new windows or tabs

You write stuff. You link to other stuff. I excitedly click this link and read the stuff that’s in the link you linked to. When I’m done with that and I’ve thoroughly explored this rabbit hole of eyebrow shaping and somehow ended up in a warren of political armpit hair rants, I want to head back to your blog. I close that window, oh WHAT IN THE DUCK?! Hello desktop, I didn’t expect to see you again so soon. Now I’m going to have to find my way back to your blog and the part I was reading all on my lonesome. You’re costing me 30 seconds here. A lot could happen in 30 seconds. I could decide to head to ASOS and buy shoes instead. Now you’re just draining my bank account. All because you couldn’t see fit to let me open that link in a window. Boo!


Annoying Shizz 2: Your small, awkward typeface

I want to read your blog, not squint at it. I also don’t want to see your wacky serif, put that shit away right now. If your text is all small and weird and I have to tell my browser to enlarge it you’re just reminding me that I’m getting old. What happens when you get old? You get gradually blinder. Thank you for reminding me of impending death, kind blogger. I just wanted to read about afternoon tea, but I guess I’ll go and get measured up for a coffin instead. Sob.


Annoying Shizz 3: Not having a search button

Like three months ago you wrote that really cool muffin recipe. Or that think piece about donkeys. Or that funny anecdote about the condom full of jelly. Whatever. Basically, I’ve now finally got my shit together and I’m ready to make those muffins  / show my donkey friends your in depth opinions / roll around on the floor reading your anecdote again as a way to procrastinate doing any real work. Except I can’t. Who wants to wade through eleven weeks worth of not-jelly-condoms looking for gold? Not me. Kills me every time.


Annoying Shizz 4: Complicated commenting

Ooooh I need to tell you my thoughts on that lipstick. Oh, but you only accept comments if I log into this random account? Ok. Then I need to captcha these 17 random literary sentences? Fine. Then you need to know my mother’s maiden name and my cats preference in processed meat products? Sure. Now you’re putting me in moderation? I can deal with that. Wait, your automated spam filter is now calling me a dirty spamming whore because I dared call myself “Frankie @themayfairy”? Not even a link, you understand, just the name so you would know where the hell I was coming from and we wouldn’t have to live as internet strangers for the rest of our lives. Whaaaaaaa? This wouldn’t sting so much if there weren’t several comments littering your blog clearly from spammy escort agencies. Why won’t you let me talk to you? You were sooooooo cool up until this point 🙁


Annoying Shizz 5: Too many photos of the same thing

Your left tit looks great. Yes, it still looks great when viewed from that slightly different angle. Yup, there it goes again, still looking great. Exactly how many of these do I need to scroll through? I know you’re proud of these shots, you should be, but one really would have sufficed.

FYI, I totally do this. I’m basically bitching at myself here. Thanks for tuning into another wonderful episode of “Crazy bitch on the internet talks to herself for the improbable amusement of others”. I’ll be back in two days time with more nuttery.


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