I’m not well. I’m sniffly and sneezy with a sore throat and major body aches and shivers and that cloudy head thing where you turn around to look at that thing just out of eyesight and go “yeeeeech” at the movement. So that sucks.
But the upside is that I’ve learnt these magical new ways to annoy my husband.
- Catch a bug. Go into great detail about what hurts, where and how much. This is now your only topic of conversation.
- Whimper audibly and often. Elongate into a high pitched whine if neccessary. Ignore all pleas to “die quietly”.
- After having left the house, just when husband creature feels secure in the knowledge of a peaceful afternoon, text him all those whines and whimpers and groans you would be making if sat next to him.
- Refuse all food. As he is in charge of food supply this drives him nuts.
- Accept an apple. Don’t eat the apple because illness is making everything taste icky. Have him discover non-eaten apple.
- Cough loud and hard throughout the night, but not enough to wake yourself up, just enough to wake him up. If you can work some snoring into this routine it’ll really help grind his gears.
- Walk around house with big wads of toilet paper rammed up your nose like some sort of surreal walrus.
- Heat house to eleven billionty degrees Celsius because you have chills.
- Really go hell for leather with those groans and moans. Step it up another notch. Start with a low whimper and end with a shrill plea, like “kill me now!” or an agonized question, like “why do bad things happen to good people?”
- Refuse to go to bed until he goes to bed. Right now you need to be on the couch, wrapped in blankets watching Midsomer Murders, because it’s a John Nettles episode, not the guy who looks like David Cameron who puts you right off everything, ever. Whimper.