Rants and Whimsy

Stupid shit people say

February 23, 2015

Frankie Cant Hear You - The Mayfairy-17

Back when I first started this blog, I had all kinds of pent up ire to get out. It’s the reason why one of my first ‘categories’ was Ranting Whimsical. I really did start writing to clear the jumble sale happening in my head, and I started by making drafts with lists of things I wanted to say and blog about. This is one of those drafts from those early days.

Basically, people kept saying stupid shit and I was around to hear it. As I had no creative outlet to get it out of my system, it stayed in my head just sloshing around and annoying the pus out of me. Now, more than a year has passed and it’s highly unlikely any of these freaks will remember saying this shite in the first place. (It’s even more highly unlikely they actually read this blog, but that’s another story.) Let’s get on with it.

“I rarely read blogs and I rarely agree with anything I read in them”

Oh yeah, this makes lots of sense, because when you decide to become a blogger initially you have to apply for membership of the Bloggers’ Council. Then you have to attend the bimonthly meetings where we all decide what we’re going to blog about and what our collective opinion is on it. As we decide upon so much together as one big homogenous grouping all blogs are practically the same, with the same content, style, attitudes and sentiments.

Oh, wait, that’s not it at all. Firstly, if you ‘rarely read blogs’ then STFU with your opinions about bloggers. They’re clearly misinformed. Secondly, if you ‘rarely agree with anything’ then you’re reading the wrong blogs! More than 200 million blogs in the world and you’re specialising in reading the ones you vehemently disagree with? Seriously, get the fuck off my island.

“I’d never go to a play because it’s not something I’d ever be interested in”

Or its slightly snootier sister:

“I never watch any TV because there’s never anything good on”

Not doing something or watching something because you choose to spend your time doing other things, because you don’t have the money to spend branching out on new hobbies or even because you’re busier than a squirrel with too many acorns and not enough hidey holes is reasonable. Writing off a whole form of entertainment that you apparently know sod all about because you don’t watch any of it is just dull and stupid.

There are many, many television channels and television shows out there, it’s not just David Attenborough, Friends and Kardashians, you know. Netflix and other services like it exist. I myself don’t watch a lot of television, but not because there’s nothing on. There are plenty of programmes I could enjoy if I had the time. We’re no longer at the mercy of some faceless programmers choosing what we should watch and when, so the “there’s nothing on” argument becomes even more precarious. Stop pretending you’re better than every single programme that’s ever been created for TV.

Similarly, plays, musicals, historical dramas, opera, cabaret, pantomimes etc are not all the same thing. Just because you didn’t enjoy reading Hamlet ten years ago in high school doesn’t mean you wouldn’t enjoy someone’s stage interpretation of the same play. The Lion King, for instance. You don’t want to go to theatre, that’s fine. There’s only so much time in life and you can’t do everything. Just stop chatting about it like you know shit.

“We need a wedding photographer but don’t want to pay the big price. Anyone know anyone semi-professional only?”

What does semi professional mean at this moment? Someone with all the photography skills of a professional but none of the invoicing skills? Am I right? I’ve never seen someone one ask for a ‘semi-professional lawyer’ to help with the paperwork of buying a house, or a ‘semi-professional plumber’ to help unclog the drains. People only seem to pull this shit on creatives.

Why do you think photographers cost so much? Photography equipment is expensive and even semi-professional photographic skills can take years to master. Not only must the photographer spend all day at your wedding, but many, many hours after the fact going through thousands of photos, getting rid of the duffs and probably enhancing the final selection so that they’re completely beautiful.

You don’t want that? You just want someone talented to bring their own camera, take some pics and give you the RAW files? Sure, someone might be willing to do that if they’re a close personal friend. Or maybe a hobby photography could be convinced to do it for a bit of cash in hand. But don’t get crabby when their battery runs down before the speeches and they don’t have a spare. When they don’t take any pics of the flower girl coz they have no incentive to chase her hyper ass around all day. When the white balance is off and you don’t know how to fix it. When they don’t really know how to tell you how to pose and you all end up in the ‘awkward meerkat’ position. And know that you’re a cheeky mare for asking.

“I only gain weight on my boobs”

I’m a girl. I have boobs. You gain a bit of weight, they get a little bigger, so you show a little cleavage to deflect attention away from your slightly bloated stomach. I know the drill. I’ve played that game. So why you’re claiming that your weight gain only happens on your boobs, leaving the rest of you svelte and lean when I’m standing right here with a clear view of your arse, god only knows. Shuddup.

“Anyone can call themselves a reviewer. You can’t trust that blog coz it only has good reviews on it”

I probably thought like this at one time. I was a fooooooool, I tell you, an absolute fool. Let’s break this down into two parts. Firstly, yes anyone can call themselves a reviewer, and indeed can write reviews. Whether anyone pays attention to you is something else. I know restaurants can get upset when some clearly clueless moron parks his caravan on Internet Street and starts attacking the professional output of a chef with many years experience, but please have a little faith that most people can see through the bullshit, and food is such a subjective thing that it’s usually not as big a deal as it might seem in those couple of days when that Trip Advisor review is sitting at the top of the page. In fact, the tides are starting to turn, and people get suspicious if you have too many good Trip Advisor reveiws. I’ve actually had friends want to switch restaurants a few days before a get together because they’ve looked on Trip Advisor and saw too many 5 star reviews and it looks fishy!

Secondly, now that I’m a blogger I speak to a lot of other bloggers. I’ve learnt something amazing: some bloggers like their blogs to be positive! Now, I am such a cynical kaleidoscope of ever moaning hell that it never occurred to me that some people would like to pilot a blog without a hefty helping of whinging attached. But no! They not only exist, they’re everywhere. They have bad experiences in restaurants and in life like the rest of us, but they don’t broadcast them on their blog. Hence, they don’t accept invitations to events where they have to implicitly promise to write a blog about the experience, just because they have no interest in writing about the hideous or just plain mediocre. This may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but there ya go. It’s all part of the rich tapestry of blogging, opinion-having and freebie getting.

Seriously, more than 200million blogs out there. If you don’t like one, feel free to jog on.

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