Attempts at Vanity

Spanx Gets Weird

July 14, 2014

Recently I bought a pair of Spanx. I don’t like it when you can see underwear outlines cutting into flesh through some of my thinner dresses, so Spanx it was. They arrived, I put them on, I’m instantly more streamlined. Job done. I’m happy with the Spanx.

But that doesn’t make for a very interesting blog, does it? While I’m chuffed with the product and the end result, there were a few “what in the hell?!” moments while I was going through the packaging. Namely, this:


This is a card that was stuffed inside the packing. The other side has some advertising for other Spanx products, like bras and camisoles. This side highlights the company’s devotion to batshit insanity.

Let’s break this down. The card wants to let us know that you can do anything in your Spanx. You’re not limited. Your giant knickers needn’t weigh you down. This is probably true enough. Hell, I’m wearing Spanx right now and I’m not impeded in any way. I barely notice them. However, I’m merely sitting on the couch. This card wants you to know that you’re free cook, run and be a hero without making extra considerations for your underpants. Really, Spanx? I’ll keep that in mind.

Firstly, on the left, we have a stereotypical Asian lady cooking in her Spanx in the world’s least perpendicular kitchen. She seems to be making an awful lot of food, and seems unconcerned about setting her apron on fire as she poses by the flame. At least she is wearing some protective clothing and a bra, which is more than we can say for the others.

I am a tad incredulous of her decision to cook with her Spanx out, though. What is she trying to achieve here? Spanx is shapewear, intended to make your clothing look better. If she’s just arrived home after a day of wearing Spanx there’s no real need for her to take it off before cooking. But why did she take her outer layers off? If she’s trying to thrill a romantic partner by doing the clichéd ‘cooking in your lingerie’ schtick, may I suggest she’s made a grave error with underwear selection? Spanx by itself is not particularly sexy. It’s also not particularly easy to get off should romantic passion take you over. This scenario makes very little sense.

However, it seems to make more sense than scenario number 2. Here we have a stereotypical woman of colour winning a race, in her Spanx. Frankly, I’m not sure the wearing of Spanx during this endeavour is the most impressive thing. I’m more interested in why she chose to run the damn race without a bra, and where the hell her nipples got to. Maybe she had some reconstructive surgery. Fair enough. But anyone who’s ever had boobs knows they’re frigging annoying to run with unrestrained. You don’t want to be doing a whole race with the puppies flying free in the wind. Ouchies. Maybe this the Masochists 200m final, though, as she also appears to be wearing high heels. Double ouchies. Kudos to her for winning by such a great length, as it appears the other competitors are all running barefoot. Can’t wait to see how much of a bloody mess her toes are in now. She must have known she had this in the bag before starting though, as she went to all the trouble of bringing her own gold medal with her. That’s right folks. She prepared her own winning medal, but didn’t think that possible titty support and activity-appropriate footwear could be of any use. Good going, Spanx lady.

Then we get to Spanx lady number 3 – the stereotypical white girl. Blonde haired, blue eyed and Barbie-esque, of course. The caption claims that she’s ‘putting out a fire’. No. No she isn’t. She’s clearly saving someone from a fire. The fire itself is raging on nicely in the background, devouring yet another not-at-all-perpendicular building. Brilliant.

She must be somewhat professional though, because she’s wearing a fire helmet. No top, tits out, nipples gone (probably melted off due to her lack of protective gear), but she has a helmet. She’s somehow managing to perform her heroic duties in nothing but giant lady knickers and high heels. Which is interesting, as the person she’s saving is wearing sensible shoes, but seems to have forgotten to put on underwear altogether. That’s probably what got them into this mess to begin within, requiring them to be saved by someone who’s got their shit together in the granny-panty department. I do fear that it may be a little late for them, though, as the top half of their body appears to have disappeared completely. Surely we’d be able to see a glimpse of a head, or a hand, or a shoulder peeking out from behind her lovely layered tresses? Surely?!

Maybe she hacked the top half of his body off, for ease of carrying. She’ll probably go back for it later, with a hose on hand to actually achieve that ‘putting out a fire’ imperative. I don’t blame her. It can be difficult to walk in heels at the best of times, without even factoring in wonky ladders. Or Trademarked heels… Seems that some careless designer dropped a little symbol beside her left shoe, so she’s obviously under strict obligation to protect this trademarked (but not registered) footwear at all costs, even if that means decapitating a friend.

Good going, Spanx. Keep up the quality illustration work. I feel I’ve learnt a lot today.

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