Rants and Whimsy

September 2014 horoscopes

September 1, 2014


Welcome to this month’s horoscope post. I apologise for my lack of posting lately, but I made a foolish decision in electing to read Wuthering Heights. I am predisposed to getting far too emotionally involved in novels and this one depressed the hell out of me, to the point where blogging was impossible. Some people may try and convince you that Wuthering Heights is a love story. If a psychopath roaming the countryside digging up corpses and encouraging the murder of puppies is your idea of a love story I suggest your re-examine your interpersonal relationships. So, I apologise if these horoscopes are slightly glum. Your faithful astrologer has spent the last week waking up in the middle of the night too afraid to go pee lest a ghost knock at the window. FML. At least I’ve finished it now, and I have many days of postings in the pipeline. Here’s what lies ahead:

March 21 – April 19
You will buy a woollen hat exactly the same shade as your hair. You will look weird in photographs.

April 20 – May 20
You will inadvertently wander into a field with a bull. Ergo, you must learn to make friends with a bull, or be gored. Start practicing happy bull face now. He’s probably very lonely, so you should be ok.

May 21 – June 21
Lady Gaga will copy your hairstyle. You’re not quite sure how to feel about this.

June 22 – July 22
You will wake up one Sunday morning in a large tub of crab sticks. The smell will be awful and will stick to you for a good couple of weeks. However, your skin will be amazing, glowing almost. You will spend many days investigating the skin rejuvenation properties of crab sticks before realising that your friends had dumped a bucket of body glitter on you prior to your passing out. Your new nickname will be Disco Crab.

July 23 – August 22
Cat ears look good on you. Realising this, you will campaign for acceptance of those who wish to wear big, fluffy cat ears in professional business situations. You will not rest until cat ears are in the mainstream.

August 23 – September 22
You will have a really weird dream about marrying a celebrity chef and go on and on about it in much detail to all of your work colleagues. You are this close to being fired for boring the hell out of everyone.

September 23 – October 22
You will fall in love with asymmetrical fashion. Everything you wear must be slanty, one shouldered or oddly angled. Your downfall will be asymmetrical lipstick.

October 23 – November 21
After being stung by a mystery insect while innocently sitting on the couch watching TV you will vow to seek revenge, and start your own restaurant serving only insects and creepy crawlies. Much to everyone’s surprise, it will actually be rather good.

November 22 – December 21
You will get really, really, really, really into The Hunger Games. Like, really into it. You will try to get on Mastermind with The Hunger Games as your specialist subject. There may be an intervention.

December 22 – January 19
A close friend will shave off their beard and it will startle you. Upset at this new babyfaced look, you will take to smearing Rogaine on their chin while they sleep in an effort to accelerate Project Stubble.

January 20 – February 18
Still upset about your previous bad decision making with novel reading, you will retreat back in to the world of Jane Austen, where the worst that can happen is that a random aunt isn’t quite polite enough to a gossipy neighbour, thereby stalling the heroine’s chances of romantic entanglement with the Baronet for a good six months at least.

February 19 – March 20
You will be become addicted to winning goldfish from fun fairs, and will tour the country winning them until you have enough goldfish to open up a museum or maybe even an emporium.

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