Rants and Whimsy

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer Doesn’t Make Any Sense. At All.

December 23, 2015

Bad Rudolph

It’s almost Christmas and I’m sick up to my left tit with Rudolph and his bullshit. That whole story is shite and I don’t know why we keep falling for it and feeling sorry for the little twat every year.

Let me recap. Reindeer is born with birth defect. Reindeer is teased. Reindeer feels isolated from the rest of his reindeer kin. Reindeer has opportunity to save Christmas as we know it and becomes the hero of not just his community, but the whole damned world. I don’t believe it. There are holes in this story and I am just dying to gleefully point them out.

Firstly, Santa’s sleigh can’t  fly on Christmas Eve because there is a snow storm. What in the actual fuck. Why didn’t they expect snow in the North Pole? Is this the first time this has happened? I don’t bloody think so. I call bullshit.

You’re telling me they can fly around the fucking world with millions of toys created especially for good children but they can’t engineer a few fucking headlights? I get that cutting out the bad children dispenses with the dipshits you see in Burger King every Saturday afternoon but really, it’s still a pretty damned amazing feat. They could honestly strap every Barbie doll they’ve created with glow in the dark tits to the front of the sleigh and have the same effect. There’s no need to recruit defective reindeer that nobody likes into the team.

I mean what is his biggest gripe anyway? That no one would play any reindeer games with him? What in the fuck? The kid supposedly has a nose that can guide the way through the worst snowstorm the North Pole has seen in decades and the fucking reindeer is surprised that no one wants to play hide and seek with his ass? Have you ever stood in front of a car with its headlights on full beam? I bet it didn’t inspire you to start playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with the geezer in front of you. I bet Rudolph’s nose doesn’t have a fucking dip setting. Seriously Rudolph, get the fuck over it.

You know what a red nose is actually a sign of? Not that you’ve been born with a horrible disfigurement. Not that you’ve got a disabilty. Yes that you’ve been on the sauce. Yes that you inhale fucking whisky. Yes that red wine is your life blood.

You know who I don’t want leading my sleigh team flying high over metropolitan areas at night with all my fucking presents under his control? A fucking trollied reindeer suffering the acute  side effects of years of alcohol abuse. Just fucking no.

Let fucking Donner do it. He’s the responsible one. And get him some professional lighting equipment.

Fuck off, Rudolph.

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