Thank god September is over. We made it through, guys. However, October could be even worse. I’m already several days late with this so there’s a definite risk of that being the case. There’s only one way to find out. That’s by reading these here horoscopes. Coz who has 30 odd days to waste seeing what eventuates? Read now, then snooze on through the month waking occasionally for wine and cheesy puffs. Now, that sounds like a plan.
March 21 – April 19
You can only find one glove. You either have to buy a new pair for winter or start practicing your Michael Jackson Shamon! skills now.
April 20 – May 20
You will use shampoo that is very, very frothy. You will pile it up on top of your head and make the most impressive bubbletastic creation of the 21st century. Catching a glimpse of this in the mirror you will be forced to run from the bathroom to retrieve your phone and take a selfie. Just know that your Instagram feed will never be the same again.
May 21 – June 21
You will spend too long pondering this very important question: If your watch was edible, how long would you last before you ate it?
June 22 – July 22
You will name your individual knives and forks. Sometimes you just need someone special to talk to during dinner. Cuthbert has it in for you, just so you know. That’s never a good thing when we’re talking about a knife.
July 23 – August 22
You will befriend a duck. The duck will laugh at you. Listen to the quacks. That’s duck laughter, right there. I think it’s coz the duck can see your nipples through your shirt.
August 23 – September 22
You will send at least seven hours straight watching reruns of a television show you don’t even like. That’s where your time goes.
September 23 – October 22
You will discover that looking at your armpits really, really, really close up is quite a bad idea. The crazy colours, the follicles, the deoderant remnants, the nacho corn chip scraps that you didn’t realise were hiding there but know you have to re-evaluate everything… it’s going to be a journey of self discovery.
October 23 – November 21
Your favourite knickers develop a hole in the crotch. Do you sew it up? Do you realise that’s just a little sad and throw them out? But what about the memories? WHAT ABOUT THE MEMORIES. (Truth be known, you have them framed. I just don’t think you’re ready to hear that just yet).
November 22 – December 21
You will drink cucumber water at least 23 times and that’s a lot for one month. Your skin will take on a slightly green hue but you will think many a positive thought about penises.
December 22 – January 19
You discover that you can purr like a cat. Exactly like a cat. It’s uncanny. You shall spend a ridiculous amount of time in Starbucks hiding behind couches and what not, purring loudly just to mess with people. They will be very disappointed when they realise there’s no cat. Prepare yourself for that. Backlash can be nasty.
January 20 – February 18
You will get makeup on something that’s really, really white and you will feel bad. Pillows, blankets, shirts, white cats, none are safe from your mascara.
February 19 – March 20
You will be attacked by laundry falling off a clothes line. This is why people started using clothes dryers all the time. Laundry is dangerous.