I didn’t post this on the 1st of October because I had stuff to do. I had people staying with me and it’s a pain to get the crystal ball out when you have company (my crystal ball is very shy). You will just have to fend for yourselves occasionally, without my amazing future reading skills. I’m here now, though, to guide you through the rest of October with no more nasty surprises. It’s all going to turn out ok, as long as you do exactly what I say. You know the drill.
March 21 – April 19
Life would be a lot easier for you if you’d just stop construction on the dungeon right now.
April 20 – May 20
You’re going to eat a lot of cheese. Too much cheese. The bad things that can only happen to the people who eat too much cheese will happen to you. It will be worth it.
May 21 – June 21
You will have an incredibly interesting (yet mostly one sided) conversation with a sea otter. It will go on for quite some time and you will be most captivated by the hilarity of it all, until you discover that someone important has overheard the whole thing and now suspects you have come down with a severe case of nimrod.
June 22 – July 22
You will learn a funky new dance and attempt to make a viral video of your quirky sidestepping abilities. However, you’ll accidentally set your camera to ‘muppet’ and the whole thing will just go to hell. Just pop down to the pub and forget about the whole sorry affair until November.
July 23 – August 22
You will do that thing that’s usually reserved for children, where you put seven pieces of bubble gum in your mouth at once and then blow and almighty bubble with little consideration as to how or where it might pop. You will have gum in your eyebrows, eyelashes and hairline for weeks and you shall smell pink. I’m not sure how that works, but pink will become a smell and you shall smell of it.
August 23 – September 22
Everything you own has a stain on it. Be less sloshy.
September 23 – October 22
After a long winded and not that interesting furniture moving escapade you will find yourself using a “skinny mirror”. Surprised by your gaunt appearance, you shall embark on a crusade to gain weight. October will taste very, very good.
October 23 – November 21
You will be stalked by a moth. This will terrify you until around the 27th, when you realise that it’s just a damned moth and you can kill it without consequence. You kill it, in a stern act of warning to the rest of the moth community.
November 22 – December 21
It is now time to start wearing shoes again. You’re not on a beach anymore. However, they’ll give you massive blisters and you shall spend the month doing ‘funny blister walk’ where you have to creep about on the parts of your feet that aren’t blistered…
December 22 – January 19
You will clip the beards of men on public transport. Quite honestly you are some sort of hairdressing god when it comes to beards so they should be grateful for the tidy up from this most professional of sources. They shan’t be, however.
January 20 – February 18
You know how the water bra was a thing? Well, you will try and invent the water knicker. Basically, an underpants with added wobbly water padding for that perfect round booty with extra jiggle. We can all foresee the bad things that will happen here, you don’t even need to be a soothsayer. Silly, silly, person, you.
February 19 – March 20
You know how the water bra was a thing? Well, you shall invent the disco version, with a goldfish swimming around in each cup. You will be the most popular person in the nightclub until around 1.30am when everyone gets tired of your shit.