It’s horoscope time yet again. May is only a short giggle that turns into a raucous snort away and you all need to be prepared for the things that are completely guaranteed to happen to you in this short space of time. Start by reading these horoscopes in a panic room located in a bomb shelter. It’s only logical.
March 21 – April 19
You will buy something “fawn” coloured, mostly because “fawn” sounds so delightful and Bambi-esque and you’re pro-Bambi. Unfortunately you will discover that “fawn” is basically a browny colour that always looks like it should be white but it’s dirty and you will feel dirty and all will be terrible.
April 20 – May 20
You will find a hat in the pub and you shall wear it. Then you will be mistaken for a guy named “Piranha” probably because you are wearing the hat. You might be best to reconsider the hat.
May 21 – June 21
A cat will point at you. You’re probably not sure what that means because a cat has never properly pointed at any one just yet. You will be the first one. Enjoy it.
June 22 – July 22
Your socks will smell like peppermint and it will confuse you. How did this happen? It will send you into a frantic voyage of discovery and you might not like what you find…
July 23 – August 22
You will write to the BBC or some kind of broadcasting corporation to complain about an advertisement that annoyed you. Yep. You will be that person. Nothing will really come of it but you will feel rather dirty and ashamed for a few days.
August 23 – September 22
You will hide secrets in your hair. One day it will be a secret stapler. Another day it will be a secret sausage roll. This one risks being found out as sausage rolls emit a rather secret-destroying-aroma.
September 23 – October 22
You will have a long drawn out conversation with a person who has an very strange accent and you will do the smile and nod thing a lot. Afterwards you shall find out that you have agreed to help model a new line of nipple tassels that they are developing. They don’t have much budget so no one will probably see it anyway. Probably…
October 23 – November 21
You will order a new shirt for corporate work wear styles and when it arrives they’ve sent the sequinned version. Do you keep it? Of course you bloody do, you sparkly mermaid, you.
November 22 – December 21
You will impersonate Elvis after six glasses of champagne. However, everyone around you has had seven glasses of champagne and they all think you’re impersonating Ginger Spice. Your Snapchat story that night will be immense.
December 22 – January 19
You will be in charge of the smoke machine at primary school talent show. You will forget to wear trousers that day but it’s ok because the smoke covers it. I mean it’s kind of ok. You won’t go to jail or anything, but you won’t be working any more primary school talent shows any time soon either…
January 20 – February 18
You will face swap with the guy who works at the local corner shop because you want to enter a competition to win a selfie stick. His face on your body haunts you for weeks afterwards.
February 19 – March 20
You will sneeze on an elephant. Be thankful it’s not the other way around.