Yet again we meet for horoscopes. Luckily for you, I’ve just whipped up a fresh batch. Enjoy the lashes of cream, the fruity surprise and the way I’ve drenched the entire thing in bottles of top quality alcohol. Let’s get ready to rumble into March!
March 21 – April 19
There will not be enough cups. Ergo, drinking coffee out of of one of those comedy Foghorn Leghorn mugs that KFC was giving away in the 90s will become your trademark and it’s all anyone will remember about you in the years to come.
April 20 – May 20
You will see a celebrity on public transport but you’ll be playing one of those addictive games on your smartphone and you won’t be able to tear yourself away for a second to take a sneaky pic because you’re about to get high score. Celebrity leaves and someone else’s photo goes viral. Your high score is good, though.
May 21 – June 21
People will compliment you on your ankles. It’s weird, but you’ll take it.
June 22 – July 22
Look, I don’t know why you put that ferret down your trousers. Even I didn’t see that one coming, so there’s no point in you sniffing around here looking for platitudes and understanding. I can see why I’d be your best shot, but no. You’d best be apologising to that ferret immediately.
July 23 – August 22
You will lose your voice and then someone will ask a group of people that includes you if any of you want any New York Cheesecake. You will be unable to answer in the affirmative and the rest of the group will pretend they don’t know you’ve lost your voice so they don’t have to share the cheesecake between any more people than necessary. In short, you will not get any cheesecake that day and it will be a sad day.
August 23 – September 22
In an attempt to create a romantic atmosphere you will light too many candles. Delicate body parts will dance too close to the flame. I recommend that you get your wax early this month.
September 23 – October 22
You will choose the gold because you’re fancy but wish you had taken the silver instead because it matches better with your new boots. The disappointment will cause you to lash out and undertake a life of crime for the next 12 days.
October 23 – November 21
Beware of things that look like chocolate but actually aren’t. Carob, shite, mud, it’s all in your future.
November 22 – December 21
You will do one of those hypnotherapy sessions. Maybe as part of some sort of quit smoking scheme, maybe as part of some sort of fairground side show. I’m not quite sure which, but anyway the takeaway from it all is that you’ll be convinced you’ve remembered a repressed memory from when you used to have a tail.
December 22 – January 19
You’ll have an amazing-omigod-I-can’t-believe-it’s-so-beautiful hair day the day before you actually need one
January 20 – February 18
That hipster shop beside your dentist that sells the hilarious weird shit isn’t selling the lickable wall paper from the Willy Wonka movie. You’ll be forced to buy the entire roll if insist on finding out for yourself.
February 19 – March 20
Chili ice cream is a a thing. Chilli sauce on ice cream is not a thing. Please don’t ruin dessert for everyone.