Rants and Whimsy

Mac Attack

March 10, 2014

Recently, I purchased a new Mac.

This is a lie.

Recently I purchased a refurbished Mac. That’s accurate. And by Mac I mean a new desktop computer, not a friggin’ overcoat or such. We’ve been saving up for while, and perusing the Apple store waiting for the perfect refurbished model to make an appearance. It finally did. I purchased. I got accused of credit card fraud. I called New Zealand at crazy o’clock in the morning. I cleared my name with the authorities and re-established my right to use my own credit card. Finally, I left the husband at home to take collection of this magical delivery.


At some point the next day it arrived. My husband had his cheerful face on and joyfully received the giant fortress of cardboard surrounding our new computer. The delivery guy was not so cheerful. He demanded to know how we could afford this beast. What had my hubby been doing to create the tremendous pile of cash that Apple demands in return for one of its fabulous creations? Mr Delivery Grouch couldn’t afford to buy one of these, so why should we have one?

This is the problem with marrying someone who is essentially a nice person. He’s friendly and outgoing and goes out of his way to make people feel relaxed and off-guard. So then they feel brave enough to go ahead and say stupid shizz like that. Whilst my sunshiny demeanour is about as consistent as a defective firecracker, Mark is really just one big cupcake; sugary and sweet and covered in sprinkles, spreading joy throughout the world. Which apparently means that you have to justify your finances to surly delivery men.

You know what, as long as I’m sharing, let’s go all out and get some back story on this. This is my old desktop Mac:


Yup. It’s an eMac. This was my desktop Mac in residence until a few weeks ago. It was second hand when I bought it. I also have a small MacBook, which is obviously newer than the eMac, therefore I did most of my work on it. You can imagine the fun I had with editing and design work on the little bitty screen. So yeah, basically my life is one glorious expanse of luxury and overindulgence and all pangs of jealousy and envy are totally due my way.

The Delivery Grouch was actually in the same room as this piece of desktop computer wizardry when delivering my new best friend. Perhaps he could have taken it as a sign that this purchase has been some time in the making, and is the result of a few years of fiscal reserve and restraint. He didn’t take that sign, instead he rudely stuck his nose in where it wasn’t wanted and demanded to know of the voodoo we had clearly performed in order to be lucky enough to have him grace our residence bearing the burden of our shiny new purchase.

Really, what are you actually supposed to say to an audacious twat like this?

“The plan for acquiring this coveted piece of technology actually began many moons ago when a friendly hobgoblin glanced into a crystal ball in my possession and foresaw the magic that was to become the iMac of the future. Feeling much maligned by my clunky eMac device, I immediately took up employment selling hard drugs to kittens on dusky street corners to be sure that I would have the required funds at my disposal when the big day arrived and the majestic creature was released onto the market.

Of course, no one ever tells you the about the drawbacks of peddling catnip; and soon I was in a worse situation, covered in scratches, constantly being stalked and preyed upon by alley cats. One day, as I was hiding myself from a particularly aggressive tortoise shell moggy in the back corner of a skip, a friendly delivery man took pity on me and helped me to sneak into the trade entrance of a swanky apartment building.

I easily broke into a vacated ground floor apartment, where I massacred the delivery man and harvested his organs to sell on the black market. The leftovers were fed to the alley cats to pay my debts and buy further protection, but his liver and kidneys enabled me to purchase a brand new iPad. Since then I have refined my technique and now only prey upon the rudely inquisitive.”


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