Attempts at Vanity

Lipgloss is out to get me

March 18, 2014

I’ve discovered an evil plan at foot. It’s a frustrating and somewhat dark affair and we must quash it now or prepare to live the rest of our lives with an unreliable amount of gloss for our lips.

Let’s go back a few steps. During my formative years of lip gloss experimentation, I almost never finished a tube. I mean, I wore it often enough to do so, but it seemed that by the time it took to come close to finishing a tube, I had grown tired of that colour and moved onto the next. (Still didn’t throw away the tube or anything, because I’m a massive hoarder, but we’ll get to that). So, I grew to feel safe in the knowledge the lip gloss was an almost inexhaustible commodity.

Until now.

Now, I find myself in a snide and manipulative battle with multiple tubes in an effort to convince them to give up their liquid goodness. It was all fine when I left the shop. Each time I left the store with a new lip gloss purchase I had several glorious days of gloss. And then it slowly became more difficult, until eventually it stopped coming out to greet me at all. There is still lip gloss in these tubes. I can see it, and I can even squish it around with the applicator. It’s just unreachable – like there’s a gatekeeper at the top of the tube sending the gloss back and letting the applicator come out naked.

This doesn’t happen with every tube, but with an awful lot of them. It doesn’t just happen with certain brands, in fact sometimes I have two glosses from one brand and one will be fine and the other will just sit inside the tube and laugh at me. It’s driving me mental.

I’m also pretty sure that this is a relatively recent development. When I moved here, I discovered upon packing that I had inadvertently set up a ‘survival kit’ in every handbag I owned, comprising of 1 lip gloss, 1 pen and 1 tampon. Because I’m totally Bear Grylls. Fishing out an old handbag from yesteryear, I found its mandatory lip gloss compartment. Very old tube. Still gloss in there. Still coming out of the tube easily. Probably not good to use, but this is not the point.

Why is this happening to me? Is it happening to anyone else?

I suspect that there may be a curse on me and my shiney lipped endeavours. If anyone has a reliable way to lift such a curse (or even just a way to temper a hex) please share it with me.

At the moment I am caught between 2 schools of thought:

1) Cover the horn of a unicorn with excessive gloss at the stroke of midnight before embarking on an epic quest to kill the Queen of Chap, meeting along the way a dry lipped pixie and a goblet of glitter.

2) Smash the damn tubes.

Your thoughts are welcome.

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