June is coming. June is but a quick snooze and an ill-advised box of wine away. So here I am yet again with your monthly aid to good decision making. Read carefully, heed the warnings you find here and when in serious doubt always wear the leopard print.
March 21 – April 19
You will be attacked by a Snickers bar. Like, it will come flying at you from the window of a passing car, or you will suddenly develop a peanut allergy or something like that.
April 20 – May 20
You will be in a restaurant and they will give you a glass but it will look slightly dirty. Then you will spend ten minutes intimately inspecting the glass to see if it is actually dirty or if that’s just what glass looks like when it’s been used a few times and it’s fresh out of the washer and it’s not crystal ergo it’s not crystal clear. Know that if you do ask for a new one the new one will look exactly the same and you will begin to question everything you know about cleanliness, glassware and the very fabric of society.
May 21 – June 21
You will make one sandwich for yourself and one sandwich for a friend. One sandwich is far better looking than the other. You know the rules of society dictate that you must give this easy-on-the-eye sandwich to your friend, but in order to even things up a little you steal part of the key ingredient from the centre of pretty-sandwich and ram it into your mediocre-sandwich. This is because you have a variety of deep-seated issues that are blackening your soul a little more each and every day.
June 22 – July 22
You will go to an emoji party and try and dress up as that lovely Spanish dancing lady but everyone will think you are the fried shrimp emoji.
July 23 – August 22
Your eyebrows will look strange and people will be scared. Seriously, it’s all anyone can think about when they talk to you. Go visit your Mum. She’s the only one who can stage the eyebrow intervention you desperately need.
August 23 – September 22
You will be forced to eat baked beans with ice cream. If you don’t you will have to leave society as we know it and go and live off the grid on an island somewhere. Not a tropical island, either. One of those windy, rocky ones with lots of crag.
September 23 – October 22
You will do lots of squats. You will have sore thighs, but your bottom won’t be sore. You will then worry that you’re doing squats wrong and everyone is judging you, so you will spend 17 hours sitting on your pancake arse watching squatting videos on YouTube. This will forever change you.
October 23 – November 21
You will try and melt a whole cheese in the microwave and it will explode and you will cry a little because it was a really expensive cheese. You will eventually sit in front of the microwave with a spatula scraping bits of cheese off the sides because you refuse to give that shit up.
November 22 – December 21
You will ride a horse. Whether this is metaphorical or not is up to you.
December 22 – January 19
Your eyeliner will look good, but you need to keep your ear wax under control. If you can’t hear the people whispering about how good your eyeliner is, then you don’t have it under control.
January 20 – February 18
Someone will invite you to a silent disco and you will accept, the only problem being that you thought they said ‘salad disco’. You will have no idea what to do with all that big bag of tomatoes you brought.
February 19 – March 20
You will run through the streets at night shrieking madly because you’re upset about a particularly nasty scene of bus politics you were witness to. A group of foxes will eventually join you and adopt you as their leader.