Rants and Whimsy

July Horoscopes 2016

June 30, 2016

Ok so the entire fucking world fell apart this fortnight. Like, all of it. Not just talking politics here, everything else took a tumble down shit mountain on a luge made of pointy cactus as well.

If re-incarnation is ever proved to be real I must have done something rather salty last life and I’d prefer not to find out what it is.

First, my external hard drive died. The one with everything on it. Photographs. Client work. Fonts. The whole shebang. I managed to save some of it. However, while fighting that fire my MacBook worked itself up into a jealous rage and let its internal hard drive have a fucking meltdown because it is apparently an attention seeking dick. It was all LOOK YOU CAN’T ACCESS ME NOW EITHER, POKE AROUND IN MY INNER MOST WORKINGS AND GIVE ME THE NEW INSTALLATIONS YOU HOLD OUT BITCH I’M THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE HERE.

So basically, no blogging for me because blogging is a computer based sport and fuck you if you think I’m gonna use my phone for that shit. I’m not fucking 20 any more and I’m not doing shit on my phone. Also, my phone is a rather more senior specimen from a bygone era – where you have Twitter app I have “Dinosaur Alert Safety App”, where you have iTorch my phone just bursts into flames. It really can’t do shit apart from those two things so even if I wanted to be cool and blog on my phone it would just die on me and then we’d all get eaten by a velociraptor.

I’m supposed to be predicting the future, not bitching about my life. Oops.

Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will drink a mug full of gravy thinking it is coffee. Ok, you probably won’t drink the whole lot and will catch on after the first sip but you still chug gravy. Maybe carry a lamb chop around with you everywhere so you can somewhat enjoy this experience, I don’t know.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will join a political party and then go out and protest something. It will be one of those protests where lots of people get naked and your mum will see your tits on the news.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
You will change your TV settings into Russian or Greek or Chinese. Basically, some language that doesn’t look at all like English and is hard to change back. This will not annoy you on the day to day, but at certain junctures when shit needs doing this will mess up your life.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
You will find a hair in a weird place that’s longer than the hairs you expected to find in that place and you will be strangely proud of the wee fella. He’s a survivor, he’s not gonna give up, not gonna stop, he’s gonna work harder. Once you’ve killed 5 hours watching old Destiny’s Child videos you’ll probably just pluck it because what business does that bitch have growing on you anyways.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will use men’s deodorant in your left armpit and women’s stuff in the right as an experiment into the difference between men’s and women’s products and if you’ve been wasting money all this time. However you basically keep accidentally arousing yourself as your nose tells you that there’s someone hot around but it’s actually just your armpit tricking you. It’s a frustrating month.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will cry and someone will make a clay sculpture of you crying. It kind of looks like Cher but you don’t know if that was intentional or not and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. You don’t really look like Cher though so it’s kind of annoying. Can’t people just give you a hug?!

Libra
September 23 – October 22
You get some knotty hair around the nape of your neck. That stuff that is really frigging enraging when you tug it with your hair brush. Your anger about this will lead you to yell at a fox.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will get a weird email and you are 70% sure it’s spam but 30% intrigued. This is how you meet your Nigerian crew.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will start a new make up trend that involves eyeshadow in places that aren’t eyes. Chins and stuff. Get on YouTube with your green sparkly chinned self.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You will wear the wrong bra on the 12th and spend most of that day with a protective arm across your chest. You will buy a new bra a couple of days later and it will change your life by making everything far pointier than you thought it ever could be.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will get the time wrong. Always. Forever. Constantly. If other people can be gender fluid you can definitely be time fluid. It’s how you operate and if everyone else could just accept that life would work out.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Summertime tweed becomes an obsession. You will make it work.

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