You want to win at Instagram? You started an account but have found out the hard way that no one is interested in candid shots of your Uncle Doug asleep on the sofa? Well, dear friend, I too have sod all followers on the photographic social machine, but I’ve been gazing intently over at the cool kids and I think I’ve figured out how they do it. It’s pretty simple. In fact I’ve narrowed it down to five simple ways to be awesome at Instagram. Thank me later, when you’re knee deep in digital likes and pussy cats.
1. The impossibly perfect foodie-gram
The classic table shot from above is a favourite with many ‘grammers The key is to shoot everything your adoring followers wish they were eating instead of sitting in a meeting with Gerry (who goes on and on and on). Screw whether or not it tastes good or if you actually want to eat it. True foodie-grammers haven’t eaten and ugly meal since 2010, nor have they dined from a table that didn’t take half an hour to set up with a perfectly square composition, set up within millimetre precision in a style called ‘luxury disarray’.
2. The cute animal pic
Cats rule the internet. That’s just the way it is. Steal some of that mana with a cute cat pic on your feed. You’ll need easy access to the most beautiful and friendly creatures in the world, but really, who doesn’t have that? The secret is to make it look natural and spontaneous, even though you’ve just wasted three hours chasing this furball and bribing him with catnip. As far as your followers know, your life is one big sunshine and kitty cat party.
3. The black cat laser eye photo
The above rule goes to hell if you were silly enough to acquire a black cat. Black cats really are the witches of Instagram. OMG he looks so SQUEE, quickly get a photo of him! Wait, he closed his eyes, now it’s just a black blob on the chair that’s vaguely cat shaped if you’re expecting it to be cat shaped. Sigh. The only way the black cat can compete with his fairer furred friends is by eliciting the old cat-laser-eyes shot. Everyone bloody loves that shot. Get a friend to poke and prod your cat into various light sources while you take continuous photographs until something usable happens. This could take a couple of hours and you will get scratched. But look at all the likes! Ooooooh!
4. The #Fitspo grammers
Ahh. The people with the abs taking the totally hot photos in the gym. Making you feel bad for following so many foodie-grammers. They have all the answers and all the super easy ways to be a super human fitness freak. Use wild animals. When you’re finished with the wild animals, blend them into a smoothie. Then wait quietly while you absorb all of their power and the ability to neigh exotically. It’s a simple process. They’re doing workouts unlike any workouts you’ve ever done. They’re on beaches with perfect eyebrows and their arses actually fucking glow. When you get to the stage where your arse glows you know you’ve won at Instagram.
5. The ‘accidental’ pic of that amazing body part
Do you have ridiculously beautiful hair? Stunning breasts? Upper arms either to die for or to kill with? Need people to admire dat ass? Well, you could just love yourself and post lots of brazen selfies from your best angles online with no further comment. But if you’re also concerned about appearing humble then life is tricky.
Thankfully, there is a way. Just photograph other stuff and get your hot self into the background. Your tits looking stellar? Photograph that necklace dangling between them. Been doing extra squats? Well, I think it’s time you documented what your bathroom mirror looks like for future generations. For posterity’s sake, of course. Not posterior’s. Remember, you’re not bragging. You’re just unaware of how stupidly hot you are. You bloody unicorn, you.