Hello September. Here you are, thinking all those Autumnal thoughts. Maybe I wasn’t through thinking Summer thoughts, did you ever think of that? Maybe some of us just aren’t ready for the months ending in ‘ber’. Maybe you should just sod right off.
In the likely case that September doesn’t heed this warning and therefore doesn’t sod right off, I suppose I had better prepare you all for it. It’s going to be intense. Or not. One or the other.
March 21 – April 19
You buy new socks. The big dilemma will be whether you opt for knee high or thigh high. BIG dilemma.
April 20 – May 20
You will scratch your ear on public transport and a whole heap of wax will end up on your finger and you can’t be sure if anyone is watching you or where exactly you can wipe it. It will be a harrowing seven minutes until your stop, where you’ll be able to casually flick in peace.
May 21 – June 21
Your hair will be a bit fluffy so you will experiment with conditioners and then you’ll read conflicting opinions about conditioners and how long you’re supposed to leave them in for and the stress of all these opposing ideas will give you “stress head” (bed head’s slutty older sister). You will vow never to experiment with conditioner on your head-hair again, instead you’ll have the world’s best conditioned pubic hair until you figure it all out. Hey, at least you got goals.
June 22 – July 22
You will paint your toenails and they will be a thing of true beauty and you will attempt to drag out sandal season for as long as possible. You will walk through the streets on many a cool September evening just in awe at your toenails sparkling in the moonlight.
July 23 – August 22
One of your tops with buttons on will lose a button. This will be most perplexing because it’s not a button that’s under a lot of physical stress (read, not a titty holding button) just a regular button. If it’s not in the washing machine it will be nestled among your knickers in that stash of clean laundry you’re probably going to end up wearing before you get around to folding and putting it away.
August 23 – September 22
A mosquito will bite you in your place of work and you will be enraged. You will stalk the beast and finally you will have bloody revenge when you crush him against the wall. This will result in a giant smear of your own blood decorating the wall above your desk and will make your colleagues fear your every move.
September 23 – October 22
You are sick of dusting. It’s annoying and never ending. Instead, you begin to collect the dust in glass bottles. Some of the glass bottles are pretty. You intend to sell it to an art gallery at the end of the month. Whether or not you are successful depends on if you talk to the guy who likes glass bottles that are pretty, or the guy who’s going through a stressful breakup and can’t be bothered with this shit anymore.
October 23 – November 21
You frequently only apply deodorant to just one armpit. Look at your clothes, you will see the proof: one sweaty side, one normal side. Let September be the month where you stop deoderising while sleepy.
November 22 – December 21
You will entertain others by dancing with dogs. It may be the greatest thing you’ve ever done.
December 22 – January 19
You will eat someone else’s lunch accidentally and then cry about it even though it’s not really a big deal, it’s just a little weird. (It’s a lot weird)
January 20 – February 18
You will consider getting a massage but will decide not to when you realise they do not offer tickling services. Tickling is better than massage in your fabulous Aquarian brain.
February 19 – March 20
Your selfie stick will be lodged somewhere awkward and you only have thirteen minutes to retrieve it before someone walks in and photographs the situation, thus resulting in a rather nasty image on Twitter that turns into an even more nasty Daily Mail article whining about the vanity of people these days. Ie, you. Thirteen minutes sounds longer than it really is.