So freaking busy. What do you mean I missed October? You missed October. What’s October? I don’t have to answer these wild accusations. You calm down. I’m gonna need a glass of wine and a kitten before I can get my head back around this blogging thing again.
March 21 – April 19
You will watch ET and put an ad in the local classifieds requesting a friendly alien chum to come live with you. You will be successful, because god knows aliens and weirdos love the classifieds.
April 20 – May 20
You will meet a talking frog. He’s disgusting, but he tells good fairy tales. Also, you are very drunk.
May 21 – June 21
You will dress up as a velociraptor and wear a big feathery costume. Ergo, you will need to have many conversations with people about that fact that velociraptors are thought to have been feathery. People will not believe you. You will get angry. You will bury the bodies in quick sand, because you’re all about saving time.
June 22 – July 22
You will catch your cat doing something embarrassing. Your relationship will suffer. He won’t be able to look you in the eye. You will have to enrol him in kitty therapy. It will be expensive and you won’t be able to eat properly for the next four years but he will probably forgive you in time.
July 23 – August 22
You will have a drinking problem. Fortunately, you will remember where you stashed that extra bottle of juice in the nick of time and the problem will be solved. Liquid refreshments for everyone.
August 23 – September 22
You will become really, really, really good at selling things, so you start selling used hair ties, because you’re still really bad a product development. You don’t make a lot of money out of it, but hell, who would have thought you’d make anything?!
September 23 – October 22
You will become obsessesed with finding a way to combine snowflakes and cheese. I don’t know if you will be successfull but at least your cheese will be chilled.
October 23 – November 21
You will buy your new winter hat. It will be pointy. You will be photographed wherever you go, hashtags devoted to your hat will trend and people will throw rings at you.
November 22 – December 21
That guy who you’re vaguely related to, who you didn’t really want to be friends with (you know that one) he will make smug observations about how terrible social media is. He will make these observations on social media. You will come for him. You will tear him down. You and your army will not be silenced. You might accidentally prove his point, but dammit it will feel good in the moment. Meh, he’s an egg anyways.
December 22 – January 19
You will get a beauty treatment. It’s an expensive beauty treatment. It’s basically you sitting in a confined space with a lot of chinchillas. This is basically terrifying BUT OMIGOD THEY ARE SO SOFT AND CUDDLY, but also, remember: terror. Terror is a good way to sweat out all the ugly, so all in all it’s a good beauty treatment.
January 20 – February 18
You will stub your toe and invent a new swear word. You will be banned from everywhere for a little while due to the severity of this new curse, but eventually everyone will calm the duck down and tattoo the word all over their bottoms and what not. Coz that’s what people do.
February 19 – March 20
You will climb a tree. You will climb too high. You will get scared and someone will need to call the fire department to get you down. At least you’ll have a cat for company up there while you wait.