Rants and Whimsy

Horoscopes: November 2015

October 31, 2015


November is about to happen, folks! The month where everyone argues about when it’s appropriate to put up the Christmas tree is breathing down our necks in all its tinsel-y glory. But what else will happen to you in November? I gots the answers and I’m giving them to you free of charge, because I’m just that nice. Read on, unless you really, really, really like surprises.

March 21 – April 19
You will spend a lot of time wishing that you could go sledding, like you see in the movies. Instead you’ll find a shiny patch of floor and slide around on it, on your backside, until you basically wear a hole in the seat of your trousers.

April 20 – May 20
You will discover a “porn star couch” and good times will ensue. I can’t tell you exactly why this is a porn star couch, but like any good Taurean you’ll be able to identify a porn star couch the moment you see it.

May 21 – June 21
You will consider cargo pants as a viable fashion choice. I don’t care how many things you have to carry and how much the 90s are “in” right now, just don’t do it. Or only do it within the safe confines of your home…

June 22 – July 22
You will plan a road trip but then you’ll realise it’s cold outside and you’ve got a whole heap of Netflix to watch so you’ll just watch movies about roadtrips while eating snacks shaped in a general transport theme.

July 23 – August 22
You will drool on your pillow and it will be sticky. It will also negatively affect your sex life. Nobody wants to sleep with drooly droolerson.

August 23 – September 22
You will make a new friend while putting out the rubbish. Technically this friend is a rat, but you convince yourself that this is fine because it was in Ratatouille.  You may even try to convince your new pal to sit on your head…

September 23 – October 22
You will read all the credits of a movie and then start looking people up on IMDB and before you know it the month will be over and you know waaaaaay too much about “Man Selling Curtains” and are too emotionally invested in his acting career for any good to come of this.

October 23 – November 21
You will draw dots on things. Most things. Your nails. Your t-shirts. Your mobile phone case. Your elderly relatives. Those kind of things.

November 22 – December 21
You will try to make jam, but you want your jam to be more interesting than other people’s jam, so you start experimenting with some kind of breast milk Nutella / boysenberry jam swirl concoction. You are a true pioneer.

December 22 – January 19
You look good in vests. Try and exploit this. Your arms may get a little chilly but it’s all worth it.

January 20 – February 18
You will procrastinate so much that whatever I tell you will happen this month won’t actually happen until next month. Pull yourself together.

February 19 – March 20
You will dream a lot of crazy dreams, many of them concerning David Hasselhoff.

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