Rants and Whimsy

Horoscopes: May 2017

May 1, 2017

Ugh. So, I tried. I tried to come back to blogging. When I finished my big fuck off project, a metric fucktonne of other stuff came and blocked the path of convenient blogging. Now I’m here like, do I even carry on with the horoscopes, or just let them fade out while I get on with the giant pile of half finished posts in my drafts? The big question.

I’m quite honestly just doing a horoscopes post because it’s easy and my schedule for the next month looks to be a little ridiculous, so easy blogging may be the only way for me to get any blogging done until June. Which is a little annoying as I have so much fun stuff I want to blog about but fuck it, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR FUN ANY LONGER. May is gonna be… interesting. Let’s see if it’s interesting for you too:

March 21 – April 19
You will visit a website that has too many ads. You know, like 15% content and 85% ads. And the ads half cover the content so you have to continuously keep scrolling to see what you need to see and if you’re on an iPad or a lap top it’s basically impossible… you will be annoyed for all of May.

April 20 – May 20
A sarcastic cat will enter your life and bring you joy. It will also scratch stuff. It’s up to you to find appropriate things / people for it to scratch. Good luck.

May 21 – June 21
There is an animal living in your bed. You tucked the sheets in too tight and it is trapped. This is what you get for being too tidy. Tonight, while you sleep, you may feel it slither on by. Scuttle on past. Nudging you in the arse.

June 22 – July 22
You will meet a pelican who is possibly the living reincarnation of Socrates. I mean, possibly not, but possibly.

July 23 – August 22
You will visit a museum and be chased by a mummy. You run to the toilets and hide in the end stall because everyone knows that one is the most secure. The mummy follows you in but is quickly apprehended by the cleaning staff who are pissed about all the mess some damn kids have made with the toilet paper…

August 23 – September 22
You will appear in a vlog. This will inspire you to try harder to sit up straight.

September 23 – October 22
You wear glitter lipstick and go out drinking. A friend will drunkenly dare you to kiss a frog to see if it turns into a prince. This is all for the the lols until a concerned farmer finds the glittery frog the next days and makes a formal report and before you know inquisitive documentary makers are sweeping the countryside reporting on the environmental disaster that is the disco frog.

October 23 – November 21
You will visit a waterfall and sing TLC’s seminal hit “Waterfalls”. You will fall into the waterfall and have to sing “Unpretty” all the way home (with big streaks of mascara running down your face) while staring intently at the men driving past in cars, daring a bitch to give you a reason to sing “No Scrubs”. It’s a very “express yourself via the medium of 90s pop” month for you.

November 22 – December 21
You will do a logic puzzle and your head will explode. At least this gives you an excuse to start fresh with your hairstyle.

December 22 – January 19
You will become a greek god, or goddess. This seems great until you have a nasty run in with a cyclopes and things start to get incestuous. You go back to being mortal.

January 20 – February 18
You will actually finish the thing. The thing will no longer rule your every thought. You will be FREE. Until the next thing, of course.

February 19 – March 20
You will build a turret on your house, using cardboard, blankets and bits of milk cartons.  Your neighbours will fire arrows at your turret. This is all very fun until the council show up moaning about building codes and regulations and you end up in a siege.

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