OMIGOD it’s bloody March already. We’re definitely 100% no longer in that cosy new year period so we’re all gonna have to start doing something with our lives. Fuck. We’re almost at that point where we have to start paying council tax again. Sheezus that comes around quickly, doesn’t it? Well, as you prepare for that particular misery let me help prepare you for all the other nonsense that’s just about to come screaming out of the woodwork.
March 21 – April 19
You will jump on the wrong bus whilst in a hurry one day. As you speed through the wrong neighbourhoods in the wrong direction you shall considering getting off and finding your way back to the correct bus but there seems to be a bus-wide sing-a-long happening, featuring songs from Dirty Dancing and you don’t want to miss out on the camaraderie.
April 20 – May 20
A kitten wearing a bow tie will feature heavily in some way. Much cuteness, very squee.
May 21 – June 21
You will tie your hair back too soon after washing it and then end up with one of those awkward hairband kinks which is difficult to get rid of. It will put you in a funk for a couple of days.
June 22 – July 22
Adoption is in your future. Whether that be donkey, human child or Snickers bar is up to you. Whichever one you choose, you are sure to give it a hilarious moniker.
July 23 – August 22
You will get a weird rash on your earlobes. People will speculate on whether this is sexually transmitted or not. People think you’re that kinky.
August 23 – September 22
You will discover big, fluffy cosy socks just as winter is easing out and you will mourn for the the lost time you spent over December / January / February wearing medicore foot bags.
September 23 – October 22
Leggings are your friend. We all think you have a fantastic bottom this month and we want to see it tightly clad.
October 23 – November 21
You will have a massive fight with a friend regarding what ketchup/tomato sauce/that red stuff you put on chips should be called in restaurants. Stand your ground. Go after them with a squeezy bottle of mustard if need be.
November 22 – December 21
You will go to a Spice Girls themed party and have all the same fights you had when you were eleven. Except this time you know how to win them. Keep something pointy in your leopard print bralet, you might need to fight your way out of here.
December 22 – January 19
You will spend rather a lot of time trying to figure out exactly where breast ends and armpit begins. Do try to get this out of your system as quickly as possible, and know that if it gets as far as tattooing then it’s probably gone on for too long.
January 20 – February 18
You will pester your significant other with all kinds of annoying messages, factoids and snippets of weirdness. They will attempt to shut you up with chips.
February 19 – March 20
You will finally perfect your twerking technique and the result will be glorious. Until you fall into a giant cake.