It’s almost 2016 and I was considering putting an end to this little segment. It’s been done. But many thousands of people came forward and demanded that I do no such thing. By many thousands, I mean two. Two people liked it. I toyed with the idea of changing into Chinese horoscopes, but sod it. Why bother making life difficult for yourself? This is an easy segment to write and it’s a nice little monthly repeater. As long as people like it, it will continue. With that in mind, feel free to tell me if you hate it. Because no one likes overstaying horoscopes that sit around all day like those people who came for Christmas yet still haven’t left your spare room and keep treating your fridge like it’s their fridge because they have some kind of death wish. No one likes that.
March 21 – April 19
Someone will watch weird, dodgy videos while logged into your YouTube account and you will be a little bit terrified of the suggestions YouTube brings up for you. You might want to check your privacy settings too…
April 20 – May 20
The mystery of the missing knickers is about to happen. It will be a gripping affair, filled with disappearing satin and debonair midnight callers.
May 21 – June 21
Someone will call you “chipmunk tits” and you won’t know why. You’ll try and break it down by shoving multiple marshmallows into your mouth to puff out your cheeks while simultaneously prodding your breasty area but there does come a point where you’re just doing this for your own nasty little thrills. Just FYI.
June 22 – July 22
Things will explode near you. Glitter bombs, vomiting cats, dodgy kettles, all kinds of things. It’s gonna be a messy month.
July 23 – August 22
Look, I know they look like that person on Coronation Street, but you’re just going to have to put that out of your mind for a few minutes at least. You want to have sex with them and there’s no helping that. I don’t do casting for cheesy soaps. Sorry. We all have our crosses to bear.
August 23 – September 22
You will find a stash of left over candy canes and put them in the blender. You will then pretend that they’re some kind of health supplement. You’ll put them in smoothies. You’ll put them on toast. You’ll sell them in little foil bags to very drunk people considering a health kick down at the local pub.
September 23 – October 22
You put cheese on everything. It’s the only way you know how to deal with January. One day you’ll be wandering down the street, cheese toastie in hand and notice that guy who lives in the area but you’re not quite sure where, but he’s exercising. Obviously this is a new year’s resolution thing coz he’ll be wearing chinos while he does it. Enjoy your toastie, cheesy mirth at the whole ridiculous situation.
October 23 – November 21
You will punch a badger. Badgers are quite political right now, so it could end up being this whole big thing.
November 22 – December 21
Get that Baby Foot stuff and sort our your dry feet. 1) because your feet are dry and people are beginning to talk. 2) because you’ll need a big old distraction as January is going to be a big pile of meh.
December 22 – January 19
You’ll read a book about hats. That’s all fine and dandy but you now know waaaaay too much about hats, and if you let on that this is the case to the population in general they’ll begin calling you “HAT DUDE”. I’ll leave this up to your own sense of discretion.
January 20 – February 18
Bras aren’t really doing what you want them to do right now and this will open a gateway of moral and structural engineering questions that you didn’t quite know existed before.
February 19 – March 20
Yes you can see your nipples through that shirt. You know the one. The one you wore at Christmas.