We are one month down already in 2017. I forgive you if you’ve been avoiding my horoscopes posts because current events are a bit “OH GOD WHAT NOW” right at this moment. Maybe you just need to avoid looking at what comes next for your own mental health. Well, don’t be too afraid people. I can guarantee at least one of you will get CAKE this coming month. Read on to find out who.
March 21 – April 19
You will slip and fall on a scone. Jam on top of cream. Feel whichever way you want about that.
April 20 – May 20
There will be a rumour circulating that you’ve had plastic surgery. Your earlobes look really fake. You will also eat cake.
May 21 – June 21
You will read a book. You will enjoy this book except for one small, annoying part. You will rip out the page that contains this part and eat it, thus resuming your enjoyment of the book and satiating your need for mid-morning snacks.
June 22 – July 22
You will start reading a lot about ancient history, especially Sparta. This results in some adventurous new outfits and hairstyles for you, inspired by your learning. Also, you will try and start a war with Athens.
July 23 – August 22
You will begin the process of building a robot that will one day take over a small European country. You will call it “Pirate Treasure”. You’re a bit weird.
August 23 – September 22
You will be come a low level feminist hero. So many memes will owe their existence to you.
September 23 – October 22
You will feel lost and directionless. You will feel helpless. Then Google maps will start working again you’ll go get a burger.
October 23 – November 21
Upon deciding to take up a new hobby, you will attempt to create logic puzzles. One puzzle you create is so illogical that it tears a small hole the in the fabric of the universe. Once the hole becomes big enough you will have to grow horns and spend the rest of your life impersonating a zipper.
November 22 – December 21
You will find important historical photos underneath the floorboards in your house. You will also adopt a pet goat. The goat will eat the historical photographs before you have a chance to sell them to a news agency. You will yell at the goat. The goat will eat your birth certificate while staring you straight in the eye. From this point on you’re not sure if you really exist.
December 22 – January 19
You will go to see a show in an abandoned theatre. Bits are falling off the walls and you’re not quite sure if this is safe, but they are serving the best popcorn you’ve ever eaten in your life, so you’re not leaving.
January 20 – February 18
You will recommend a book to someone and they will really love it. Like, it will totally change their life, that’s how much they love it. You will become slightly resentful towards the book because it never changed your life in this way, just gave you a few giggles.
February 19 – March 20
Bored one day, you decide to draw a picture of a cheerful pig. It pleases you. A couple of weeks later you see your picture up on the wall near your co-worker. They seem to think that their child drew this picture. You will fight to the death defending yourself as the true creator of “Cheerful Pig”.