2016, you’re already one month down. That time is gone already. I feel like I might as well just write my Christmas horoscopes now. Jesus. What have we all achieved? Nothing. What will we achieve? Nothing. Yay, Nihilism. January makes me a very pessimistic astrologer, apparently.
March 21 – April 19
You will discover a truly enlightening Netflix documentary about a cat you know personally. You will discover this at 3am. You will never be able to find it again.
April 20 – May 20
You will vacuum up one sock. The other sock looks sad. The big decision of the month will be whether or not to go after the sock. It’s a really great sock, but you also vacuumed up a spider about two weeks earlier so this will weigh heavily upon you.
May 21 – June 21
You will be incredibly attracted to people with elbow patches on their jackets. Knee patches, not so much. Ear muffs will also give you a certain thrill.
June 22 – July 22
You will wear shoes on your hands and wander about your house like this for more hours than you care to admit.
July 23 – August 22
You will begin writing fan-fiction about Kanye and posting it anonymously to the internet.
August 23 – September 22
You will wear leggings. On days that are too cold for leggings you will wear double or even triple leggings. Proper trousers just can’t contain dat ass, so you don’t even try.
September 23 – October 22
You will climb a tree to prove a point. The point is lost when it becomes very difficult for you to come down from said tree. This could take a few hours.
October 23 – November 21
There will be a sign. It’s an elephant sign. When you see the elephant, follow it. This may be an actual elephant, a photo of an elephant or just a man with rather large nose and ears, but you need to follow that trail. I’m sure there are good snacks or something at the end.
November 22 – December 21
You will block 17 people on social media this month. They were just holding you back. To celebrate you upload a fabulous short video of you dancing that possibly features one of those glittery tinsel wigs that were a lot more prominent in the 90s than they are today. Seriously, where did you even get that?
December 22 – January 19
You will feel sad, until a rogue hamster scurries into your life and brightens everything up.
January 20 – February 18
You will wear blankets. Blankets are your new fashion fad. There will be an unfortunate incident where someone jumps on what they think is a pile of blankets and it’s actually you.
February 19 – March 20
Your shoes will be uncomfortable, causing you to fantasize about dipping your feet in marshmallow when you should really be working on the spreadsheet.