This is it. The final predictions of 2015. Let me metaphorically hold your hand and guide your way through this tricky festive season, with all of its fairy lights, powerful cocktails and family punch ups. Here’s what you need to be prepared for this December:
March 21 – April 19
You will have a good Christmas and woodland critters will even dance for you. Try to limit your drug intake.
April 20 – May 20
You’re Christmas cookies will be misshapen. Some will look like penises. Christmas penises albeit, but penises nonetheless.
May 21 – June 21
You will thread tinsel into your normal scarfs and create a fashion moment that will just SCREAM 2015 for generations to come.
June 22 – July 22
You will buy festive underwear and need to let everyone know about it. That guy in the lift isn’t interested. Stop showing him your Rudolf clad bottom.
July 23 – August 22
You will dress a chicken up like Santa. Please make a video.
August 23 – September 22
You will develop 12 new festive desserts that combine chocolate sauce and cranberry sauce in new and exciting ways. Food blogger booty is coming your way.
September 23 – October 22
All of your December hats have ears or antlers. If you dare to wear a non-festive hat something bad will happen (ie that person you consider a nemesis will eat the last mince pie).
October 23 – November 21
You will try and recreate scenes from Love, Actually in order to truly capture the spirit of the season. Funnily enough, the most awkward moment isn’t the porn film, it’s when you start coming onto your best mate’s spouse. Seriously, that’s a weird film, isn’t it?
November 22 – December 21
Someone will hide an engagement ring for their significant other in a Christmas pudding. You are feeling rather peckish and drunk, so you nick off with this Christmas pudding and eat the whole lot. In short, you’re going to be spending a lot of time poking through your poop looking for a ten thousand pound ring. Merry Christmas.
December 22 – January 19
Body glitter isn’t just a summer thing. You can use it in winter as long as it’s Christmas. You will create your own pantomime and perform under the name “Disco Booty”.
January 20 – February 18
You are very stressed and you shall banish yourself to some kind of secret cave or underground lair in a futile attempt to ‘get things done’. However, while in this lair instead of actually doing the things you shall wrap yourself in fairy lights and work on your prancing technique.
February 19 – March 20
You will eat reindeer. Then you shall feel guilty and spend most of the holiday season sobbing while intermittently screaming “I bloody loved you, Dancer! You’re my one true love, Comet!” into the frosty cocoon of exile that society has built around you.