Hey. I’m a little late with this post, I know. I took on a bit of extra work over the last couple of weeks and started one of those vague, exciting projects that bloggers are always writing about, even though they can never actually tell anyone the specifics of the project. All they can say is it’s happening and it’s wildly exciting and then they drive everyone mad with their contentless content all about a big secret thing that can’t be talked about. Yeah. I got me one of those. I doubt it’s anywhere near as exciting as the secret projects the other bloggers write about, but it did get in the way of timely horoscopes and for that I apologise. Saying that, I should get on with it then.
Sorry if anything big happened to you in the first few days of August and you’re now dead or festering or something and I didn’t warn you. I’ll try to do better next month.
March 21 – April 19
You will go swimming and get chased by underwater papparazzi because they’ve got some water in their goggles and you end up looking like Beyonce when that happens.
April 20 – May 20
You will discover an underground city one day, the entrance is just down the road from you. You’ll pop in (using your phone as a light) and start nosing around, but before you know it you’ll find yourself in mole person court up on all kinds of charges. You’ll have a badass criminal record in mole person world soon enough.
May 21 – June 21
You will host an afternoon tea for monsters and beasties and other social outcasts. The thing with all the tentacles burns its mouth on hot tea because it hasn’t got the patience to wait for tea to become a reasonable temperature. You roll your eyes. The thing with the rotting face hidden under a hood eats the piece of cake that you wanted and you get all hangry and reach into the hood, ripping off flesh and throwing it at the tentacle beast because sugar cravings really fuck you up at times.
June 22 – July 22
You will read an old book and get lots of that old book smell up in your nostrils. It’s goooooooood. You decide that you should market this as a perfume and go to the special labs and places where they make the commercialised smells and work with a guy named Hans to make the old book smell in a spritzer. Hans is a bit of a twat, though, so you’ll eventually just block his number and give up on the whole thing. Hans decides to repurpose the “old book smell” as a new brand of “new car smell” and starts selling it. This is why you’ll probably find yourself buying 15 cars in September, but we’ll advise you on that next month.
July 23 – August 22
You’ll realise that a nearby supermarket is open 24 hours and decide that you want to get some shopping done at 3am, when you’re bored and wide awake one Wednesday. You go in and there’s a monkey just sitting on the coconuts. Hanging out, having a good time. You freak out. Is this normal for 3am in supermarkets? Have you accidentally taken all the drugs? Is that monkey even hygenic? They find you hiding in the ice cream fridge telling your troubles to an extremely chill porcupine.
August 23 – September 22
You’ll be invited to submit a ghost story to a book your local council is putting together to raise money for dead pirates or a bridge or something, god I don’t know, I’m just the horoscope person I’m not here to freaking analyse local body politics. Anyway, you don’t have a ghost story but you should find one, coz if you tell them you don’t have a ghost story they’ll just keep sending dead bodies over to your house for you to store until you do have one. Yes, your local council is weird, but you voted them in.
September 23 – October 22
You will eat some bad lettuce. You will have to decide if you a) spit it out and offend the nice people who gave you the salad who are sitting watching you eat with some demented gleeful look on their face b) keep eating with eyes closed c) keep eating but thoroughly investigate the lettuce and risk seeing the other half of the slug that’s in your mouth or d) fake your own death. The rest of the table goes A. You go for D.
October 23 – November 21
You will dance naked at a dinner party. You will get extra meringue for your efforts.
November 22 – December 21
You will bring back the monocle as the must have fashion accessory of 2017. You may even create your own line of designer monocles, depending on how entrepreneurial you’re feeling. To be fair, that feeling could either be entrepreneurialism or hunger for cheese. Choose wisely.
December 22 – January 19
You will make your own ice cream at home with milk from an animal that isn’t commonly ‘milked’. Squirrel, badger, neighbour’s chihuahua – these are all possibilities.
January 20 – February 18
You will sit on your foot and get pins and needles. You will hop around in order to get blood back to your foot. You will not be wearing an appropriate bra for jumping around. Pain. Pain. Pain. In every direction, pain.
February 19 – March 20
There will be big explosion and marshmallow will rain from the sky. This will be entirely your fault, due to some kind of bet you lose with an entity that you suspect may be the tooth fairy. Try to ensure it’s not boiling hot marshmallow, because that’s not fun.
Credit: Leo the lion GIF based on this image by Freepik