Bloody April, where did you come from? You may notice I’m posting your monthly horoscopes on the second instead of the first. Lest you mistake these important snippets of information as April Fool’s pranks. These are not pranks, jokes or hijinks. These are incredibly serious and may even save your life. Or might save you from wetting your pants in public, which is probably why you’re here. Be seated. Your fortune is forthcoming.
March 21 – April 19
There will be some kind of lizard. It will scurry about, you will swear, then it will disappear into a corner somewhere and you will spend the next two weeks in terror of it reappearing. There is still the possibility that it watches you sleep.
April 20 – May 20
You will try and eat your five plus a day. You will vow to eat more green things. You will paint a pork chop green.
May 21 – June 21
Look, you’re going to fart in public but no one will really hear except that guy who’s a bit weird and what do you care what he thinks? Except that every time you see him from then on you’ll know that he knows your shameful secret and it will be awkward.
June 22 – July 22
You won’t have time to whine about or rail at amateur astrologers this month as you’ll be too busy having sex with all the wildly attractive people. There, Cancer. Are you frigging happy? You get all the horizontal good times, finally. Ok? OK?!
July 23 – August 22
Bra straps are your enemy. Especially those Courtney Stodden-esque clear ones. They will almost kill a hampster. Almost.
August 23 – September 22
You will get a little bit of vomit on your nice new shoes, but it will be that kind of urgent vomit that comes out your nose so it is a bit of a conversation starter.
September 23 – October 22
You will live to regret the photos taken this month.
October 23 – November 21
An elderly relative will eat the last tea cake and you had just been thinking that you might like to eat that. Voomph! It is gone. And with that you embark on a deadly battle of wits that will last for more years than you knew they had left in them.
November 22 – December 21
Donkeys don’t necessarily make the noises you’d always expect them to make. Surprised face at the ready. You’ll need high eyebrows for this one.
December 22 – January 19
You will have a conversation with that guy on public transport who’s always there with a colleague or two and talks about Mad Men like other people haven’t seen it before and it’s just a new thing he discovered. As suspected, he’s a twat.
January 20 – February 18
The batteries will run out in one remote, so you will take some from that other remote that you don’t use that much, thus creating a chain reaction of battery thievery that will leave you ultimately frustrated with many gadgets that don’t work properly.
February 19 – March 20
You will be allowed to stroke a strangers beard. Soak that experience up, it’s a keeper. One for the old memory bank.