I’m back. And I’m here to talk about hilarious reviews. Online reviews that live on the internet, that place where everyone gets to have an opinion, no matter how uninformed or ignorant that opinion is. I should know, I’ve rattled off more than enough bollocky opinions myself.
I’m not saying that all online reviews are terrible, but I am saying that some are hilarious. Mostly these are the one star reviews, and when they’re one star reviews of attractions that are much loved by millions of people around the world, they’re even better.
One of the great things about London is that there’s so much to do. No matter what you’re interested in, you should be able to find something to your taste. There’s no reason to drag yourself through tourist traps just to get out of the hotel. But somehow, these people didn’t figure that out. So they returned home, fired up the old world wide web and set off to warn the millions of tourists that followed them not to make the same mistakes.
So here are snippets of some of the most hilarious one star reviews for ten of London’s most famous touristy hot spots.
10 – St Paul’s Cathedral
Reading one star reviews of the cathedral means you’re mostly just wading through complaints about the entry price. Cuthbert’s review had an element of that, sure, but this line caught my eye. Is “Jesus and the throwing of the pancakes” an actual Bible story? I’m serious. Is this why we have Pancake Day? Because they really should talk up the pancake throwing element of the religion if they want to bring it into the 21st century.
9 – Hampton Court Palace
Hampton Court Palace is my favourite palace. Other people weren’t so impressed:
Reginald gave Hampton Court a one star review because he didn’t like the get up the other tourists were wearing.
This review went on and on and on. Cathy left the palace in tears, that’s how upset she was about the new floors. Remember this, it becomes important later.
If you take fifteen quid off of Derek and he doesn’t feel like he got his moneys worth, be prepared for bloody revenge.
8 – Camden Market
One of the most puzzling reviews I’ve read today. “One star”. “Tacky”. But also a “fun visit” and “great”. Then a bad review of his own review when he realised he’d said a whole lot of stupid. Calm down Gary, no one forced to you publish this.
Nigel claims to have been “pierced without his consent”. What’s the bet Nige got a bit pissed in Camden and had a lot of explaining to do to his wife about the extra hole in his cock when he got back to the hotel?
7 – British Museum
The British Museum gets one star from Margaret. All staff were hired by Hitler himself, she accuses. Didn’t get nearly enough time in the bog. But still, in all honesty, it was great!
Only okay, but Bert still bought three rubber ducks! If I was enamoured enough to buy three rubber ducks I’d be having the time of my life, but maybe I’m too easy to please. If you want 2 stars or more from Bert he’s gonna need a rubber chicken. A guinea fowl will suffice.
6 – Buckingham Palace
She went to the Queen’s house, but Tina didn’t even get to meet her. Instead she had a whole bunch of history just rammed down her throat. How. Fucking. Dare. They.
Douglas was promised that the building was purple. The shock of the yellow just clashed with his whole outfit.
This guy just throws out this tempting offer and doesn’t even leave his address? Fuck you Trevor, fruit pastel based entertainment is clearly what London desperately needs if these bloody reviews are anything to go by.
5 –Shakespeare’s Globe
Liz and Ernest read A Midsummer Night’s Dream in highschool and didn’t understand a fucking word. Maybe if they’d tried a little Googling they’d have discovered that the Playboy Mansion puts on a Midsummer Night’s Dream party every year. There’s a reason for that, guys. And the reason isn’t that Shakespeare was King of the Puritans.
OMIGOD, an unexpected woman in a traditionally male role! We know how contentious that shit is. And this bitch then has the audacity to wear underwear. Underwear! Won’t somebody please think of the children! Actually, fuck that, won’t someone stop law abiding adults from seeing this filth of their own free will?!
Ronald had never seen a woman in her underwear up until this point. One time Mildred got her skirt hitched up in her stockings after a drunken wee and Ron had to go live in the garage for a week of self-flagellation, but this is just beyond the pale.
Gerald was VERY suspicious. Does this happen any time that some one sings? Can his suspicions only be quelled by dance? What would he have felt if there had been puppetry? Incredulous? Leery? Somewhat aghast?
4 – Westminster Abbey
Queen Elizabeth I. Isaac Newton. Charles Dickens. No name, non-entities, the lot of them.
Barry also seems to be pissed that they’re buried beneath a stone slab, rather than rotting away in the open air where we could all gawk and maybe poke them with sticks. It’s like they don’t even know how to build a tourist attraction any more.
The bloody church was full of tombs. Who put that lot in there?! This just in from Audrey.
Now, now Des, that’s not true. You can totally do knee slides on the shiny bits. But you can only do it once. So choose your moment and choose it well.
3 – Tate Modern
Carl is an artist. Not the best artist ever, but he’s made a few potato prints so he’s qualified to decide once and for all exactly what is art and exactly what isn’t. Carl doesn’t care about your differing opinions. Carl’s opinion is final and no correspondence will be entered into.
Great idea to visit Tate Modern, then Miriam. Also, why’d you suddenly shout “Me!” in between those two sentences? You’re a weirdo, Miriam.
John has yet to discover that there’s a whole internet full of porn out there. He’s thus far only using the net for Trip Advisor reviews. Hopefully someone tips him off before the restraining order comes in from the poor bastards living next door to the Tate.
2 – The Tower of London
Rupert found himself thinking inside the tower and realised he has no imagination. One star! Surely if you pay this much money a Beefeater should do all your thinking for you!
I’ll be generous and ignore the typo. Agnes here was afraid of everything. The river, the other people in the tower, really, everything. But the swords just threw her over the edge. What did she think the Tower of London fucking was?! London’s first knitting circle? A big pile of hamsters?
Chuck must actually be pulling our leg here, surely. The lions are sculptures made of wire. For some reason Chuck believes that Japanese people don’t understand the concept of lions. Or sculptures. Or moats. Chuck’s still not sure what to think of the ravens.
Remember Cathy who was sobbing about the new floors in Hampton Court Palace? Well, meet Petra, Cathy’s arch nemesis. Petra’s shocked at the lack of modern flooring in the Tower and she’s determined to make her opinion heard, one single star review at a time.
Don’t go down to Rob’s garden shed. Just don’t. He clearly thought “Crown Jewels” was a euphemism and was just looking for some dungeon inspiration. Get a private Pinterest board, Rob!
And finally… drum roll please:
1 – The London Eye
Pssssst, Bruce, I think the views are pretty much it. Sorry.
Murray has done the London Eye 30 times and is compelled to leave a one star review as he is once again disappointed to be confronted with the same old view of London. Can’t they just knock down the Palace of Westminster and put up a nice pyramid or something? For Murray’s sake?
However, I think Eric deserves the prize for the killer one star review. Eric queued for hours – HOURS – to get into the Eye and then found himself “on the surreal experience of silently going in a painstaking slow circle”. Did he not look up once while he was queuing? How was this a surprise? What the fucking, fuck Eric. I hope they overcharged you. You deserve it.