Rants and Whimsy

Have better conversations – #1

July 12, 2015


A wee while ago now I went back to Brooklyn Bowl, this time with Sophie, Flick and Gianni. We were like a team of crime fighting superheroes, except we didn’t fight any crime, no one can fly or turn invisible and no one was wearing heels while doing any kind of strenuous activity. We didn’t even bowl (though I did hurt my knees while kneeling on the hard floor upstairs). We were all about the food and the conversation.

There’s been an idea floating around the back of my head for a while now, about doing a link post series. But not your ordinary link post. Ever been forced to have a boring conversation? Of course you have. Every morning at work. Every time you go to the supermarket. Every time you’re trapped in a broken lift for hours on end with strangers and that muppet you vaguely know from upstairs. Forced to have mundane conversations based around small talk. But what if you could have interesting chit chats without letting folks in on what you really did this weekend? Wouldn’t that be swell?

Well, inspired by all the fun conversations we had at Brooklyn Bowl, and a few others I’ve had along the way, I’ve put together this wonderful jigsaw of conversational mastery. Things start getting dull, or maybe a little too personal, you just pull one of these out of your witty repartee arsenal and you’re sure to have conversational fireworks in no time. These aren’t necessarily new stories, or currently topical subjects. They’re interesting stories. Yup, I’ve just made your life a little more enchanting and thought provoking. You’re welcome.

1. This exists:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgWgEoaAYDY?rel=0]

I was casually enjoying an evening listening to such seminal classics as My Neck, My Back, when YouTube suggested this little ditty for me. I’ve had many hours of titillating conversation ever since. Seriously, have you smelled his dick lately? You should consider it.


2. The real cause of addiction
A superbly fascinating article on the causes of drug addiction and rat studies on the subject. Someone built a wonder city just for rats called “Rat Park” with everything a rat could desire to give them a fantastic life and keep them occupied. What do rats desire? Coloured balls, friends, tunnels and the best rat food money can buy. I have all of those things. I could possibly be the most ecstatic rat on the planet, but I’m human. Drat.


The-Mayfairy-Brooklyn-Bowl-Chips The-Mayfairy-Brooklyn-Bowl-Chicken

3. The word slut
I found this article brilliant when I first read it, because I had recently read Wuthering Heights and a variety of other period pieces and been confused by their use of the word ‘slut’. I had only ever been exposed to the word with one meaning “woman who has sex with all kinds of people. Marriage probably isn’t involved. This is bad. Ooooh, insult”.

Now, sleeping with a lot of people has never been a bad thing in my books as long as everyone consents, but I understand that throughout history this has been frowned upon. Well, now I know about the other meaning: “sloppiness, especially of the domestic variety”. Happy to report folks, I’m slutty as ever loving fuck, and it’s not going to give me a divorce! (I hope).


4. Is your eBook sexy? Sales in Germany might be a problem
Yup, Germany has banned sales of adult-themed eBooks during daylight hours. If you suddenly find yourself in Berlin or Hamburg or Frankfurt you’re gonna have to buy your literary smut between the hours of 10pm and 6am. Throughout the rest of the day you’ll just have to content yourself with videos of anal fisting and people shitting on coffee tables. (Though there may be more to this story than meets the eye)


5. Even C-section babies need a little vaginal gunk
I read this a few years ago, but it suddenly came up in conversation again. If you’re born via c-section (like me!) you don’t get to experience the bacterial wonder that is your mother’s vaginal canal. Turns out, the gunk and bacteria you encounter is actually incredibly useful for preparing you for life in the big, bad world. C-section babies are more commonly afflicted by things like obesity, asthma, allergies, type 1 diabetes, food allergies, eczema, and celiac disease. Your mother’s vaginal bacteria helps you to fight these challenges. Ergo, caesarean babies should be given a little dunk in the gunk, for their own good.

The-Mayfairy-Brooklyn-Bowl-Puppets The-Mayfairy-Brooklyn-Bowl-Bar

I’m gonna do more of these. Because everyone needs better conversations.

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