See, you got through one month of 2015 already. That wasn’t so hard, was it? It was pretty much all thanks to my fantastic future reading skills and ability to warn you about the weird little happenings that were just around the corner that everything went so well for you. You should really consider sending me a nice fruit basket. You won’t (obviously, I can see your future foibles from here) but you really should. So I’ll just carry on keeping you safe from certain calamity for no love nor fruity surprises in return. Because that’s the way this is.
Love, your passive aggressive astrologer.
March 21 – April 19
I don’t know if the glass is dirty. You can’t even tell. Stop staring at the frigging glass. Either ask for a new one or shut up and drink from it. You are this close to never being invited to a restaurant again.
April 20 – May 20
Your diet is ineffective and you haven’t done your homework. People are also sneaking melted gummy bears into your coffee in the morning for a laugh as this has gotten so out of hand. You will discover this, of course, but will you have the energy to care?
May 21 – June 21
You will have a fight concerning your mailbox. This will result in two places where you could conceivably receive mail, and you and your adversary will both try to garner the favour of the postman in order to have him deliver to the box you prefer.
June 22 – July 22
Leave your house. Turn left and keep walking until you hit the corner. Turn left again. Walk 3 blocks. Turn left. Then count along 15 houses. (If there’s a block of flats each flat counts as a house). In the 15th house there is someone that wants to have sex with you. I can’t guarantee it isn’t the goldfish.
July 23 – August 22
You will chase a squirrel. A fox will chase you. That guy who works at the Londis will chase the fox. Love and fitness shall be thoroughly tested. It’s the ciiiiiiiiiiircle of life. (Sing along).
August 23 – September 22
You will embarrass yourself while drinking but won’t remember in the morning. It will probably be about July before you discover the Instagram account devoted to the ‘event’.
September 23 – October 22
You will discover the word ‘funty’ and won’t be able to let it go. It’s not really a word, and you’re not quite sure what it would mean if it was, but you will devote quite a bit of time to drawing up submission papers and surveying the borough for ideas.
October 23 – November 21
This will be a month of disappointment as far as your bottom is concerned. You just won’t be able to find inner peace with it until March. It’s too big, it’s too shapeless, it’s too sore, it’s making noises you haven’t condoned, the list goes on. Thankfully, February is a short month.
November 22 – December 21
The Pippy Longstocking look is going to be all the rage – you know it. And so you embark upon a month of experimentation. Not just on you, but on your friends, family, loved ones and cat as well.
December 22 – January 19
Your feet will become sore around the 18th. The kind of sore that means that wearing shoes is pretty much impossible. Your choice shall be 1. Wearing sandals and having your feet freeze, or 2. Wearing socks and sandals. Make your choice and try and make your peace with it now.
January 20 – February 18
Birthday cake will haunt you. It will be unfinishable, yet the fact that you were stupid enough to allow this creamy yummy goodness to remain unfinished will stay with you and stampede all over your usual mental clarity.
February 19 – March 20
Have you seen that video where an octopus gets out of a jar by opening it from the inside? Have you considered the possibility that an octopus might be fucking with you in your own home? Have you?