For the first 2 weeks of February I was officially on a Valentines/love blogging challenge. So I didn’t get to do my February horoscopes. This was a grave error, as I have been completely blindsided by the absolute nonsense loaded on me in this ridiculous month. Thankfully, it is the shortest month, but that’s no excuse for all the kerfuffle. So, once again, let’s take a hop, skip and a jump into mysticism and sort this bitch out.
March 21 – April 19
There will be an accident while you receive a haircut, leaving you with something best described as “lopsided page boy on crack’. Divert attention with stunning eyebrows and glitter tits.
April 20 – May 20
That piercing is not a good idea. At best it will get infected. At worst, you will snag it on a pubic hair.
May 21 – June 21
You will turn up at a party and someone else will be wearing the same outfit. They will look better in it than you do, but don’t become disheartened by this. Everyone will be well aware by the end of the night of how fabulous you look in your underwear. (Also, remember to wear underwear).
June 22 – July 22
Your bottom will be pinched by a mystery admirer. Or so you think. It’s only your mother’s drunken friend, don’t bother getting excited. Unless you’re into that.
July 23 – August 22
You will develop an insane jealousy of a cat that hangs out at the local pub when it becomes apparent that he is more popular than you are. However, he shall save you from a nasty encounter with a field mouse leaving you with no choice but to bow down to his superiority.
August 23 – September 22
For the next two weeks you will only be able to achieve orgasm at inappropriate times. You may decide if this is a blessing or a curse. If you go for blessing then supermarket shopping is about to get a lot more exciting.
September 23 – October 22
Your left boob is bigger than your right boob. Or maybe it’s the other way around and you’re just looking at them in a mirror. Either way, something to consider when you sober up.
October 23 – November 21
There will be some stinging. You will try and get through it. You must face it, and accept that February is not a good month for wearing heels. Go for something more comfortable, as you’re due to be chased around the 26th.
November 22 – December 21
You have not yet mastered how to shave around your ankles. February will be no help with this endeavour.
December 22 – January 19
You are eating everything. No, really everything. Your friends are beginning to see this as a joke and somewhat of a challenge. The other day they convinced you that a paper towel ground up on a pizza was a new kind of seasoning. Get this under control before you find yourself in a manic state licking scented wallpaper Willy Wonka styles.
January 20 – February 18
You will drink out of someone else’s water bottle. Yes, that gross person with the gooey stuff in the corner of their mouth that never seems to go away. I hope your shots are up to date.
February 19 – March 20
You are not using nearly enough moisturizer. It’s getting all scaly and dry. Don’t make me tell you again.