December has somehow made its way screaming and shouting into our lives with the promise of festive parties, festive panics, and much alcohol driven sobbing and frivolity. You need to be prepared for the events that are about to happen, lest you make too much of a fool of yourself. Well, here are December’s horoscopes, so you can brace yourself for the worst and always ensure you’re wearing appropriate footwear. This is most important.
March 21 – April 19
You will buy a lot of winter woolens. The underpants will be itchy, but at least you’ll be toasty.
April 20 – May 20
Your handbag is reasonably waterproof, but not very smell-proof. Use this information to your best advantage.
May 21 – June 21
You will hire a body double to take your place in all festive photos. Then you shall eat ALL of the Christmas Mince Pies. All of them. We’re talking 3am raids at Tesco for more mince pies.
June 22 – July 22
You will drink too much wine and end up having one of those nights where your friends leave you naked in the bath tub as it’s best for everyone’s cleanliness and safety. Then “one of those nights” gradually turns into one of those months. Turn your rubber ducky to the wall. He’s too innocent for this kind of thing.
July 23 – August 22
You will be chased by a pack of feral dogs down the road one night while dressed up as a reindeer. The bells on your costume will always alert them to your whereabouts.
August 23 – September 22
You will be forced to spend Christmas with a vegan. Your attempts to sneak meaty food into the house will be met with such a steely glare that you will voluntarily eat tofu for three days straight.
September 23 – October 22
The bathroom scales will break. You don’t need their judgmental nonsense anyway. Live free and easy this December!
October 23 – November 21
You will adopt a Christmas rat. Human resources will be most displeased.
November 22 – December 21
You will make a sport of firing champagne corks at relatives you dislike.
December 22 – January 19
You will play Santa at multiple Christmas functions, and though outwardly you will grumble, secretly you’ll be having the time of your life. Until you get sprayed with squid ink one week before Christmas.
January 20 – February 18
You will drink most of the alcohol in the house in a bout of bad decision making, and attempt to hide your tomfoolery by filling the bottles with water. No one will really notice, but Christmas will be crabbier this year.
February 19 – March 20
Christmas trout is not a thing. Stop trying to make it a thing. Please, for the love of god, stop it.