Rants and Whimsy

Dear person who just followed me on Twitter

October 31, 2014

– I don’t have a Facebook page in need of ‘likes’
– I don’t use automated DMs
– I’m not going to like your page. Quit demanding that I do. The below is what you sound like when you send an automated DM to a new Twitter follower.


Hi! I saw you just followed me on Twitter. I mean, I didn’t see, but I have this automated DM thingy that saw and now I can give you all the life changing information via the fine medium of Twitter Direct Message. Obviously this is your first day on ‘teh social mediaz’. Because if you’d been around a while you would know all about me and how important it is to follow what I’m doing everywhere. It really is. Have you liked my Facebook page yet? Can you? Would you? It’s right here, I’ve written down the link and everything. Just click that and like it.

I post all the same stuff on my Facebook page as I do on Twitter, but it’s on Facebook. So you need to like the page. Because if you’re on Facebook and I post something on Twitter you might miss it but if you like my Facebook page you’ll see it. And it’s definitely something you need to see. It’s not like you’ve just enjoyed one of my tweets, or have an interest in reading my blog because you read a lot of blogs and you want to just dip your toe in the water by following me on Twitter. People don’t toe dip with me. They full on envelope themselves in the cult of ME and they really like to follow me on Facebook. You need to like that page.

In fact, while you’re at it, can you read my blog? Check out my website? Browse through my brochure? Take a shufty at my Pinterest? Subscribe to my YouTube channel? Like my Instagram pics? Right after you like my Facebook, or course. That’s the key to everything.

What’s that? You just clicked on one of the arcane links I’ve sent you and I haven’t posted new content since April 2013? Ok, yeah, I know, not on thaaaaaaat one, but if more people just did what I said and followed me I would have more incentive to update that. Really, I have big plans. Something huge is just about to happen to me, I know it. As long as I DM the hell out of anyone silly enough to follow me, I know I’ll get the message out there. Like my Facebook page, it’ll be the best thing you could do and you’ll know right away when the amazing thing happens to me and I become huge because I’ll post about it and then you can like that status. I’m gonna be like one of those celebrities who has a nickname for their followers. You should really start thinking about what you’re going to call yourself as a fandom. Maybe you could start a discussion about it on my Facebook wall?!

But really, you need to like my Facebook. I’ve gone to the trouble to make an automated DM that includes your name, and I’ve tried to personalise it with a question just to trick you into thinking you’re dealing with an actual human here. When you try to politely reply to my question you’ll realise that I haven’t followed you so the message won’t go through and instead of being angry at the ruse you’ll obviously just want to like my Facebook page. Really, you will.

I’d hate you to miss out, it’s just that everything I post is super important and the easiest way to keep abreast of that is to like my Facebook page. And follow my Twitter feed religiously. Except these next 137 tweets. They’re just going to be competition RTs. All at once. Sorry about that. I’d appreciate if you’d just ignore those, because if you start RTing it’ll really wear down my chances of winning all that sparkly stuff.

So if you could please just sit tight and once enough people like my Facebook page I promise to do something interesting. xxx




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