Rants and Whimsy

Blonde Truths

March 17, 2014

It’s not easy being blonde. I mean, it’s not exactly difficult, per se, it’s just slightly more more taxing than choosing to let your natural hair colour do its thing. Not an option for me as my natural colour is so damn mousy letting it out in public would open me up to a flurry of attacks by alley cats on the prowl.

Sometimes I just feel that the world conspires against blondies for wanting pure sunshine to seep out of their scalp. So I’ve compiled this list of the 5 crosses fair haired people bear.

1. Everything gets in your hair.
Wearing lipgloss on a windy day? Congrats, it’s now in your hair and glowing pink. Attempting to put on heavy layers of mascara on a Monday morning? You now have a big streak of black/gray right around the front.  No, I’m not embracing the trend for wild pastel colours in my hair, I just attempted to wear lipstick while laughing and shizz got a bit wild and my hair wanted to be part of the action. Can somebody just invent makeup remover for hair, already? Don’t ask questions, just do. Quietly and quickly would be ideal.

2. Your hair grows exponentially faster when you’re too busy/poor to dye your roots
My cash funds are low. I can’t be dying my hair right now, I have to be working to rectify this situation. What was that, golden hair fairy? You want to cheer me up by growing 5 inches in 3 nano seconds? Thanks. That really helps to stop me looking like a hobo. And feel free to let that extra 5 inches break off once I do get around to dying my hair. That’s just fucking swell.

3. The hat conundrum
Oooooooh, you know that feeling when your hair has recently been blonded and you’re all super and sunshiney and glowing, and the only thing that will really take this outfit to the next level is…. a hat. Yup. You only have a limited amount of time where it actually looks like blonde hair is growing out of your scalp and sod’s law says you will be wearing a hat for at least 35% of that time. Conversely, when you have big, black roots, that cute scarf you tie around your head will make you look like a freaking pirate. Someone please find some reason in this madness.

4. The big halo of white effect
Hey! You have friends! Yeah, let’s celebrate and prove this fact on Facebook with a selection of awesome photos. Let’s take them on an iPhone with a shitty lens for ease of uploading. Oh, would you look at that. Your hair has no definition. It’s just a blob of white around your face like a cheap halo. Not golden and godlike, just white and radioactive. Sexy.

5. You are conspicuous
Ok, sometimes you want to stand out in a crowd. But most of the time you just want to go about your business. If you are blonde you are easier to spot in a crowd. Brown haired friends always spot me on the street before I spot them. People who annoy me always spot me on the street before I spot them. And even if you are paying attention there’s no sneaking past someone you’ve unfortunately recognised on Oxford Street at 3pm, confident that the mass of people will cunningly disguise you. The mass of people will simply form a giant human arrow pointing to your blondeness.

In conclusion, blonde is a demanding mistress who will rip out your soul and devour it, leaving you with unfortunate, breakable wisps of dehydrated dreams. Still better than mousy brown. (And this from a cat person).

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