Rants and Whimsy

August 2016 Horoscopes

July 30, 2016

The Mayfairy Leo-01

Ok summer is happening are we all wearing sun screen? I hope we are because I wouldn’t like to see you burnt.

Are we all fed up of going to weddings every weekend? No?  Well there’s still another month left to go.

Here’s a little heads up as to what’s ahead.

March 21 – April 19
You will accidentally sit on an ice cream on the bus. A dog will lick your bottom. It will tickle.

April 20 – May 20
You will get some helium and fall in love with the high voice it gives you. Your whole Snapchat will be helium voiced hilarity.

May 21 – June 21
You will wear an uncomfortable shoe. You will cover your foot in plasters and band aids and what not until it heals. This will become known as “bandage chic” and it will be all the rage until September. You will be a trend setter.

June 22 – July 22
Someone steals your thunder. You have a huge announcement to make, but that person you secretly despise becomes internet famous all because of a duck, and it all makes your thing seem a little lacklustre.

July 23 – August 22
You will lie on the floor. All is normal until you see that thing you thought you lost a while ago. It’s wedged under the couch. Your life will change irreparebly.

August 23 – September 22
You will have an ear ache. You will ram an ice lolly into your ear to soothe the pain. Later on someone will nibble on your earlobe in a rather sexy fashion and will notice that it tastes of pineapple.

September 23 – October 22
You will find out that a friend of  yours owns a gun. You will draw daisies on this gun. Rather audacious of you. This could go any which way. Good luck.

October 23 – November 21
You will wear knee high socks and it will go badly. Feet will sweat. Feet will smell. Sexy people will avoid you.

November 22 – December 21
You will be given 500 of the local currency and you will waste it in the pursuit of Pokemon.

December 22 – January 19
You will kiss the next beautiful person you see. They will taste like tikka masala.

January 20 – February 18
You bought those shoes and you’re going to wear them dammit. Even if you can’t find the perfect outfit to match. You’re just going to have to make it work.

February 19 – March 20
You will wear a coat with elbow patches and someone will mistake you for the Professor of Agricultural Marketing, specialising in Mozzarella. This probably isn’t a real thing, but why would you correct them when there’s a possibility of a good cheesy story to tell.

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