Rants and Whimsy

August 2014 Horoscopes

August 1, 2014


The time is upon us yet again. The time where we furrow our brows, make worried whimpering noises and assume the worst of the month ahead. Well, fear not, intrepid blog readers! I am here to help! Here before you are the major upcoming events of August, as interpreted from the stars that I’ve just drawn on the scrap of paper beside me. Marvel at the eerie accuracy of my fortune telling, and feel free to send me cake as a thank you for imparting this amazing knowledge.

March 21 – April 19
You are rather woolly headed this month. Long story short, this all culminates in you sitting in a field, eating grass.

April 20 – May 20
There will be an unfortunate incident in a china shop. This is why you can’t have nice things.

May 21 – June 21
Upon catching your reflection by chance in a shop mirror, you will realise that your arse really is quite special. The coming month holds many meetings with talent scouts, modelling agencies and insurance brokers.

June 22 – July 22
You will order the crab, but they will accidentally bring you the lobster. Instead of saying anything you will enjoy the lobster and hope they put the crab on your bill. They won’t and you won’t have enough money to pay for the lobster. Instead, you will break down crying and explain your chicanery to management, who respond by demonstrating the difference between crab and lobster to you with a lively interpretive dance. If you can choreograph some made break dancing techniques into their routine you may be able to wrangle a discount. It’s your only hope.

July 23 – August 22
On accident you will stumble upon your neighbour’s website where he sells audiobooks he’s made himself. One – a reading of Macbeth in funny voices – seems to be incredibly popular. Upon shelling out the £5 to download it, you will discover that this is because you can hear yourself muffled in the background shouting out the most extraordinary things during sex.

August 23 – September 22
Your neighbour shouts a lot of curious things while having sex. You will record it all for your own commercial endeavour.

September 23 – October 22
Your right boob weighs more than your left boob, but your left boob looks bigger than your right boob. Basically, a lot of people will see your boobs this month as you recount this hilarious and weighty tale to them.

October 23 – November 21
You will dress up as a rather large creepy crawly and live in the corner of your living room. Your landlord is not impressed when you explain that this means that you will no longer be paying rent, but you’re pretty sure the law is on your side with this one.

November 22 – December 21
You will drink a few too many glasses of champagne and decide to play Cupid from your balcony. This involves throwing water balloons at people you think should be in a relationship. This will indeed unite people, but only so far as trying to climb up to your balcony. Avoid throwing balloons at people who could be Spiderman. Or, live in fear. It’s up to you.

December 22 – January 19
You will eat food from the fridge that doesn’t belong to you. Basically, you’ll never be trusted with anything ever again and you’ll probably spend the next 6 years of your life trying to escape the shame.

January 20 – February 18
Someone will faint on you during a hot train journey. You will act as a good samaritan and give them your bottle of water. This means that when you switch trains you no longer have your bottle of water and you risk fainting on that person you have train beef with because they always shove you out of the way to get to the best seats.

February 19 – March 20
Your goldfish dies. You will take a photo of it and tweet it to 17 of your favourite pop stars. The internet will mock you.

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