April is almost here. Spring time is pretty much here. Horoscopes are definitely here. This month I see squirrels in all of your futures. If you don’t live in a country that contains squirrels that is not my fault. Nor is it the squirrels’ fault. In fact if you don’t live in a squirrel country your horoscope is death. Move somewhere better. Or dress your cat up with nuts and a curvy tail. Your choice.
March 21 – April 19
A flock of squirrels will befriend you. You will learn that squirrels can moult. Distraught by this onslaught of squirrel-pattern-baldness you will invest in much mohair wool in order to quaintly accessorize your new woodland buddies.
April 20 – May 20
After leaving the house in a comedy chipmunk tshirt, the squirrels will attack you en masse. For the next month you will only be able to leave the house at night under protection of foxes.
May 21 – June 21
There will be two squirrels in your future. One of them has your car keys. The other holds the secrets to the universe. You may only capture one.
June 22 – July 22
You will spend time amassing an impressive squirrel army, only for their loyalty to be stolen by your upstairs neighbour, who has bigger nuts.
July 23 – August 22
The neighbour’s cat and the local squirrels are in cahoots. The squirrels want the bird feed. The cat wants to feed on the bird. They are plotting an evil plan to take over the neighbourhood and feast the days away. You will buy a vulture to release in the area in order to shake things up a bit and give the birds a bit of a chance.
August 23 – September 22
You will grease up a pole and start a rather risque and hilarious squirrel pole dancing club in your backyard.
You will eat squirrel with a side of bacon. You will never be able to walk through a park without fear of reprisal again. Retaliation will be swift and nutty.
October 23 – November 21
In an attempt to expand the culinary horizons of the average squirrel, you will open a high class squirrel dining experience in your loft. The wasabi peas are where it all goes wrong.
November 22 – December 21
Due to your belief that squirrels have it too easy, you will attempt to train them to give pedicures. This goes as well as you think it does. Enjoy your hooves.
December 22 – January 19
‘Squirrel Mating’ does not need its own YouTube channel. You will not make any money, but there will be a brand new file opened on you at work that uses a lot of red pen.
January 20 – February 18
Sick of the exorbitant cost of plumbing, you send a squirrel down the pipe to clear the blockage. This doubles the price of the plumbing you originally needed.
February 19 – March 20
Everyone will be surprised when you discover that squirrels can swim. No one will be surprised when you develop a squirrel waterpolo team. That’s just who you are.