Rants and Whimsy

5 Things that should have been invented by now

March 24, 2014

I’m not here to write a blog of unreasonable requests. I don’t want flying skateboards, motorways in the sky, hologram everything and food delivered in pill format. I just wonder why we’re not quite there yet with a few inventions that would really set my world on fire. So, if you do know anyone who isn’t wasting their life writing crazy on the internet and is actually rather practical with this whole science thing, please send them these suggestions. I have absolutely no funding available.


1. No More Tears Mascara and Eyeliner

Years and years ago, when I was a child in fact, they perfected the ‘no more tears’ shampoo. I remember having one in the shape of Eeyore and feeling pretty satisfied about the non-stingy-ness of the shampoo when it came into contact with my eyes. So, if they had this technology all the way back then, why haven’t they been injecting this magic into everything?

I often find myself with watery eyes in the bright sunlight, and of course, once a smidgeon of mascara or eyeliner leaks its way down onto the eyeball all hell breaks loose. I am left in a terrifying quandry, afraid to wipe away the excess water and stinging black gunk, for fear of smudging that whole eye. But if I don’t wipe it away, it stings even more and the eye produces more teary liquid, which in turn leaks out to recruit more of my eyemakeup for its evil purpose. There are no winners in a battle against mascara. It is the most brutal of opponents.

Actually, if we could create this no teary formula it would probably make application easier. I’m always stabbing myself in the eye and getting liquid eyeliner all over the pace in my quest for the perfect waterline stroke. I’m going through several cotton buds every morning, in an attempt to stall the tears and save my mark making. Help me save on cotton buds! Give my eyes a break!

2. Adjustable soled shoes

The age old dilemma. Looking good yet feeling comfy. Shoes are probably the most important component of this enigma. I like to walk. It’s my preferred form of exercise, and I really go for it, like a speedy beast with the iPod blaring all the way to the train station. But if I’m going to walk to the station in speedy beast mode I need to be wearing flats. Heels annoy me because they slow me down and eventually hurt. But, continuously wearing flats means that I don’t get to fulfill my lust for sexy platforms, spiky stilettos and mouthwatering, mountainous magnificent foot candy.

I don’t want to be one of those people wearing hideous trainers on the commute, big ugly things that don’t match my outfit, while carrying my glorious heels in a non-descript bag beside me. Mainly because it’s a whole heap of extra stuff to cart around, which I don’t need, and also because you see waaaaay more people on the way to work than at work. If you made the extra effort to look cute, you want to look cute in the train station too. No point in saving all that style savvy for the 8 hours of the day when you’re cooped up in an office with Terence, who may or may not even notice these things. No. That won’t do.

I want fabulous shoes that can convert to pretty flats when I’m pummeling my way down the road, and then be gorgeous stilettos when I’m standing around by a bar not intending to move quickly. It’s like Transformers, but for your feet. I’d also like to be able to control these shoes via my iPhone, to avoid awkward bending in a skirt. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

3. Bras with pockets

Why the hell were cargo pants invented before cargo bras? Who the hell wants to run around with all their shit loosely flying about in a velcro pocket by their knees? Everyone in 1998 did, apparently. It looks bad, it doesn’t feel secure and it’s annoying to walk with your keys banging your knees. I like to store stuff in my bra. Mostly because I don’t often wear clothing that contains a lot of pockets. Some of my clothing even contains faux pockets, just to mess with me. Putting things in my bra is an awesome solution to this problem.

It leaves my hands free for other stuff, while still keeping the object close enough to be easily accessed while walking at pace; it’s really secure and the object won’t move about. Obviously. It’s in a bra, a thing designed to prevent needless jiggling and moving about. During the winter time when I’m out and about I wear a big coat. A coat with a fantastic pocket that I use often. What pocket is this? The breast pocket. We all know it’s the best place for a pocket. But in the warmer months I can’t wear this big coat. When inside I can’t wear this big coat. So I put stuff in my bra. Now we get to the downside. It’s warm, and you run the risk of sweat. Sometimes you don’t want things to get sweaty, but you still want to put them in your bra. Enter complications.

Now, I’m not talking about ridiculous things. I don’t want a banana in one cup and an abacus in the other. I just want to put my iPod somewhere, and maybe some cash or a debit card if I’m not planning on taking a handbag. Maybe a key, or possibly a lipstick. I often put rings and other jewellery in my bra before I visit the bathroom so I can wash my hands properly afterwards (and sometimes I forget I put them there and wake up later in the night with something stabbing my tit – another booby trap to watch out for).

If someone could invent a storage system for the bra that also incorporated some heavy duty moulding so you could retain a feminine shape I would be pleased. Cheat Sheet: The best thing I’ve found is to wear two bras, then you can slip things inbetween them. Just make sure the outer bra is bigger and quite structured.

4. Shazam for perfume

You know how sometimes you smell someone awesome and end up following them for seven blocks our of your way? No, me neither, I don’t do that at all. *Ashamed Face*

Smelling awesome people makes me feel bad. Because I don’t smell like them, even though I wash daily and use pefume and deodorant. I sometimes suspect I may be using the wrong perfume. It’s the only thing that keeps me going, save from admitting that perfume won’t stick to me. Because I’m already feeling sad and fragile once I sniff out these magnificent unicorns of scent, I don’t have the guts just to go up and ask them what fragrance they’re wearing.

This is where Shazam for Perfume would come in handy. With regular Shazam you just waggle your phone in the air within audible distance of a song that’s playing on the radio, or in a shop that you’d like to know the name of. Shazam will tell you your song. I want to waggle my phone in the direction of someone who smells amazing and find out why that is. That’s all. I just want to make the world a better smelling place.

5. The idea board for the shower

I have my best ideas in the shower. I plan out what I need to do that day, who I need to contact, make up a detailed schedule, have lightning bolt strokes of genius descend into my thoughts and generally solve all the problems of the world. Except that when I exit the shower and leave the bathroom all that good stuff goes down the drain and I’m back to being useless again. Ergo, I want an interactive board on the wall of the shower with me where I can jot down the best thoughts and ideas and remembrances and they’d automatically be sent to my computer so I can remember them when I’m back in the world of the dry.

What I don’t want is anything too interactive or internetty that basically functions like another computer or smartphone. I don’t want it to log in to Facebook, to let me play games or to start Face Timing a work colleague when I’m tits out and wearing a beard of shampoo foam. No. I just want to be able to record ideas, and have those ideas sent to my normal computer in the room next door. This one is probably doable already, it’s just that no one has bothered to invent this board specifically because everyone else is able to remember basic shit 5 minutes into the future.

Bonus Answer

I haven’t thought this one through as much, but I’d really like it if hedgehogs could glow in the dark. It would be pretty, it would be whimsical and it would make drunken walks home late at night all the more fun. I’m not sure of the how or even of the basic parameters behind such an endeavour, but it would be great if we could get the hedgehogs behind us on this one. I’ll be taking public submissions from hedgehogs for the rest of the week.

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