I’m on a roll with with these “5 things” posts, so lets end the week with another one. Here’s 5 things that obsessed me on the tube ride home last night. A small insight into the inner workings of my mind on the brink of Friday.
1. Thick, coke bottle glasses freak me out
Just the glasses, you understand. Not the people wearing them. In fact I admire their moxie. How do these people not have their fucking eyeballs burst into flames every time they haphazardly glance upwards towards the sun? How? Surely that’s a danger?
Saw a girl on the tube wearing some, so thick and magnifying her eyes so much she looked like a fucking anime character. I wanted to follow her out of the tube to verify she wasn’t just an underground mole person and could actually function in daylight, but she didn’t get off at my stop, it probably wasn’t daylight any longer above ground and I’m just not that dedicated to anything, really, if it means losing my politically fought for position in the tube carriage.
2. I can’t stand unread notifications
Saw a man with a smartphone and EVERY SINGLE APP had a little red notification circle with a one in it. Sometimes numbers bigger than one. How did he still manage to function?!
I have opened all of my emails. Inbox zero, that’s the only way to be. Past experience has told me that if I’m drunk and I see your phone and you have multiple notifications I will try and clear those for you, whether you want me to or not. I’m a monster.
My husband is one of those people who will gather up 6,596 unread promotional emails if I let him. I don’t let him. I have his email on my phone so I can open all his emails and then I mark off the ones I think he needs to read and delete the junk. I’m that much of a control freak bitch. One time I had a voicemail I couldn’t listen to and the notification almost drove me to do something regrettable.
3. Teenage rebellion can take different forms
As a teenager I rebelled by cheating the post office. I would write a letter to a friend, put my address on the front of the envelope and put my friend’s address on the back under the heading “sender”. Then just put it in any available post box. The post office would kindly return this un-stamped letter to the “sender” with a kind note about needing to spend a few cents on a stamp. Criminal.
4. I giggle when people who aren’t American use the word ‘period’ instead of full stop
Just because you’ve seen waaaaaay too many American movies you’re going to start using “period” are you?
For example: “I don’t like cats, period”. Hahahahaha, I’m now mentally picturing you with some kitty cat menstrual flow gushing through whatever the hell else you’re waffling on about. Learn to like cats.
5. What actually are the parameters whereby you can call the big old bus thing you have a ‘luxury’ coach as opposed to just a regular coach?
Because I see these tourist coaches rushing about all over London and they just look like regular coaches stuffed full of chairs. Possibly high end coaches, I’ll concede that, but definitely not luxury.
In my book a luxury coach should be like one of those buses rockstars use to go on tour. If you can’t comfortably eat, sleep, binge on cocaine and groupies within arms reach in numerable positions and then easily dispose of your vomit at the end of it all it ain’t luxury. It’s just some seats in a bus with a toilet that you’re probably not allowed to use because that was always the case when we went on school trips with a bus that had a toilet. Sigh.
The tube is a weird and wonderful place to get to know yourself.