So, we all have that friend (or a collection of them) who posts a stupid number of inspirational photos and sayings, and photos placed behind inspirational sayings etc etc on their Facebook wall. It then fills up your feed. So you move over to Instagram to avoid this crash course in bollocks. Oh wow, they’ve done it there too. So you go to Twitter. The last haven of the cynic. Oh god they’ve linked their Twitter to their Facebook and Instagram and now you’re stuck with all their insipid nonsense. Great. Now you need to find new friends and an invite to Ello.
This is nothing new. We’re all annoyed by these people. Hell, even Kim Kardashian is annoyed by these poeple. Seriously. Kim Kardashian. A woman who’s got her finger all over the pulse of annoying shit is also annoyed by this phenomenon. So there’s no real need for me to spend a whole blog ranting on about this. You know it and I know it. Reality TV stars know it. There’s not much more to say about it.
Though I would like to say that I have a little bit of time for the folks who are going through something rough and are using it as a bit of short term therapy. The ones who’ve had a romantic partner walk out on them so they post a few sunsets adorned with curly typefaces about how everything happens for a reason. You can do that for a couple of weeks and I’ll look the other way. Usually these people can pull themselves together again. We all know it’s the ones who insist on posting quotes 24/7, good day or bad day or mediocre day that need a smack in their Wi-Fi connection.
Thing is, there are only so many really great quotes to post. So once those have been posted the folks with a true dedication to irritation via inspiration must start scraping around the bottom of the barrel. Once they’ve posted everything they’ve found there, they need to break through the barrel, dig into the earth and the start trying to reanimate the corpse of a hedgehog they’ve discovered buried beneath the barrel. It doesn’t matter if it makes no sense, because they’re not interested in context. They just have a pathological need to keep posting ‘deep and meaningful’ platitudes.
So, this blog is not dedicated to the fact that these people are annoying. Instead it’s dedicated to the weirdest fucking things these people have posted into my feed. I’d just like to point out the fact that they haven’t truly thought this through. I’d also like to point out that I’ve remade the artwork instead of nicking off with someone else’s copyright. However, I think I’ve got the tackiness setting about right. Quite disturbing how easy I find it to work with tacky graphics and dodgy leading. Here goes:
1. Find out what you love and let it kill you
Seriously, what in the actual ever loving fuck is this? This is your advice to your loyal friends and followers? Really? You want us all DEAD? What exactly did you have in mind; heroin? Suicide bombing? Auto-erotic asphyxiation? Because I’m sure any of those three would do the trick. Quite honestly this piece of advice is so bad there’s actually a big debate on the internet to clear Charles Bukowski’s name from being associated with it. Maybe whoever first said it had some context that made it acceptable. But just putting it out there like the above with no framing is just bananas, people. Ba-fucking-nanas.
2. The world is your oyster
Really. The world is overpriced rock snot that’s rapidly going bad and needs to be kept at a sensible temperature or else we’re all going to get sick? Well, that I can believe. I don’t think it was your original intention, but frankly that’s what you’re telling me. And I’d quite rather you weren’t telling me via Instagram at 9.35am on a Thursday when I’m just trying to have a sneaky peek at cakes and stilettos with the Mayfair filter, thank you very much.
3. The mind is not a vessel that needs filling, but wood that needs igniting
Riiiiight. Ok. I can see a point vaguely off in the distance here, but why can’t it be both? Why can’t my mind be a flaming sambuca? A lovely vessel filled most of the way with delicious alcohol, and then ignited with all the beauty one could expect from a pyromaniac barman? That way if you’re still dull, at least I’m drunk. I just don’t see a lot of people posting this who’ve really got a full vessel. Maybe get off the internet, stop reading inspirational quotes and start reading books. You’ll be surprised at the genuine inspiration that shows up and ignites your wooden skull.
4. Live Every Moment
You want me to live every moment? Is that what you’ve been doing? What have I been doing instead? Am I dead or something? Have I become Bruce Willis in that movie with the kid and the dead people and I just haven’t clicked? Because I just don’t feel like I’m Bruce Willis, you know? I have hair and stuff. So yeah, I’m pretty sure we’re all living every moment. Up until death eventually comes and takes us over, you can just take it for granted that we’re living every moment. We don’t need your flashy sun pics to remind us to do this thing we’re already doing, ta.
5. The Marilyn Monroe Quote
Ok, so this one’s a doozy. It’s everywhere. I’ve seen girls all over the internet appropriating Marilyn’s words as an expression of themselves. Let’s just take a moment to remember that this was a woman who died naked and alone with a drug problem at the age of 36. Maybe her selfish, out of control mistakes weren’t something so easily brushed aside. While I agree that you should have people close to you who can bear with you through the tough moments when you’re a little bit shitty and unreasonable, they generally do that because they know you’ll come to the realisation soon enough that you’re being shitty and unreasonable and you’ll stop it and apologise. If you don’t, they’ll resent you. Then they’ll leave you. No one is great enough at their best for someone to put up with consistent selfish insecurities being bragged about. That’s just exhausting. What’s even more ridiculous is that people use this as a description of themselves on their profile pages. It’s bad enough to expect a close friend to put up with this kind of thing, but if I’m only here for the whimsical titbits of 140 characters or less then I doubt I’m sticking around for many impatient mistakes. Sorry.