Joy and Gluttony

5 Cocktails that need to exist

June 26, 2014

Firstly, these aren’t recipes. Because I’m not a bartender. I’m merely hypothesizing that these should exist. Think of me as the visionary, if you wish. Because I’ve really just come up with 5 ways to make cocktail drinking even more fun and engaging.


1. The Rage At Middle Management
Sometimes you need to drink in the middle of the working week. Sometimes you arrive home from a hard day and you need to drink away the frustration. Sometimes these days happen to be Tuesday. How do you successfully drink on a Tuesday  and still turn up to the scene of the crime the next day bright eyed and bushy tailed? You drink your usual drink and add the phrase “Rage At Middle Management (or a quirky name of your own making based on your particular work quandary). A Mojito Rage at Middle Management, for example. The first one is quite potent. It lets your body think you’re in

for a hardcore session of heavy alcoholism. Gradually, each round of drinks get weaker (while still maintaining the same great fruity taste). By the end of the night you’re just drinking fruit juice.

Wondering why my plan doesn’t just suggest that you order one or two cocktails, and then switch to fruit juice? Because after one or two cocktails you won’t want to switch. You’re in full ‘bad decision making’ mode and you’ll order another 6 heavy drinks. With the Rage At Middle Management all the decision making is made at the sober beginning of the night when you tell the bartender your drink of choice and he commits to serving you only that.

2. The True Dessert Cocktail
Annoyed at the price of cocktails? Annoyed at paying that much for alcohol and fruit juice, when you could be eating cake with alcohol? Why can’t kahlua infused chocolate mousse in a glass be on the cocktail menu? Trifle soaked in sherry? This should be a viable choice. More cake in cocktails, please. And put it in those fancy glasses, with umbrellas and the like.


3. The Pace Yourself
Pretty much the opposite to the Rage Against Middle Management. Sometimes you have to go to more than one event in a day where you are expected to drink. Occasionally the people at the earlier even will try and get you to overindulge in their alcoholic festivities, possibly because they want you to stay a little longer, or because they don’t realise that you’re leaving their temple of boredom early in order to pursue a fun night out elsewhere. Last thing you want to do is make it obvious that you’re departing quickly to a more hospitable climate by drinking juice or water blatantly in front of everyone.

The Pace Yourself is another cocktail that requires an unspoken code between you and your bartender. You look like you’re gearing up to be the life and soul of the party, as you saunter away from the bar, alcoholic beverage in hand. However, the first one is practically fruit juice. It gets a little bit more kick as the event goes on, so when the time comes to move on you’ve worked up a slight buzz, but not so much of a buzz that you’ll be mistaken for a messy drunk at your next location.

4. Glitter Cocktails
The edible glitter cupcake has come far in the last few years. We need more glitter cocktails. I have seen a few attempts being made on blogs, but lets take this up a notch. Girly, fruity cocktails should also be glittery. Because glitter just speaks to my soul, ok?

5. Glow in the Dark Cocktails
This will possibly have some interesting health and safety ramifications, but providing we can find a safe source of fluorescent alcohol this would be excellent. Even peeing the next morning would be excellent. How many times have you lost your cocktail in the dark? Either by placing it down carelessly, or mixing it up with someone else’s. Not anymore. I’ve seen something similar to this before, but it required a black light. Let’s go next level on this one, cocktails scientists. I’m counting on you.

You Might Also Like