I’m not cool. I’m not particularly trendy or fashionable either. But I do have a basic understanding of the stuff that is not in fashion. That part is pretty easy. You just go about your life noticing things that aren’t being shoved in your face everyday, even though there was a time when they were being shoved in your face everyday. This is all very well and good, except some of these things were actually useful. They had purpose. They could still have purpose. So here are three things that I think need to come back into fashion. If the cool kids could all clump together on this one please and make it happen I’d be eternally grateful. Well, maybe not eternally, but you’ll have at least 50% of my gratitude for a good 15 minutes of each day until I get used to the situation and begin to take it for granted. Take it or leave it.
1. Iceberg lettuce
Remember your mother? The person who probably spent a good portion of your childhood ensuring that food was sent in your general direction? What did she use when it came to salad? I’m guessing a good, old fashioned iceberg lettuce. Now, it’s understandable that your mother probably didn’t provide the basis for your parameters of ‘cool’. But dammit you’re old enough and mature enough now to admit that she probably had a point. I’m tired of having watercress or rocket foisted on me every time I get a bit of greenery in a restaurant. That’s not a leafy salad! Let’s be honest, they’re not as nice as iceberg, they’re bitter and more difficult to maneuver from plate to mouth with a fork. There’s admittedly a time and place for watercress and rocket but they didn’t need to pull a total grey squirrel trick and try and eradicate our little red squirrel iceberg. They didn’t.
Don’t even get me started on the restaurants who want to fill up your plate with something green without actually going to the bother or expense of making a salad, so they just dump a pile of watercress on the side of the plate to make it look like a balanced meal. That’s just ridiculous and insulting. Sometimes they don’t even bother with a sprinkle of vinaigrette, it’s just dry. Quite frankly if they’re going to insist on indulging in this shitty behaviour I’d rather have iceberg as my leaf of choice. It’s easier to eat while I glare in the general direction of the chef.
2. Lace or net curtains
I don’t live on the ground floor. As such, when I look out of my windows I can sort of see into other people’s houses. The guy across the road likes to cook in his underwear. His predecessor had a penchant for very large fruit. How can I see this so well? They haven’t bothered with lace curtains. Net curtains aren’t ‘cool’ enough for this trendy hub of interior design. Meanwhile, the little old lady across the other side could be conducting goat-based satanic rituals while a group of well wishers snort class A drugs from the rear posterior of a stripper in the corner for all I know. I can’t see in because she’s down with the netting.
Why can’t more people be down with the netting? Surely someone could redesign net curtains to be trendy? Maybe they could incorporate a dragon or a lion or a god damned stiletto into the lacy patterns. All of those things are due to be cool for at least another 20 minutes, and then the basic bitches will cling to them for a further five years I assume. For the love of eyesight, let’s bring back the net curtain.
Everyone knows the joy of finding an old photo of a relative, taken in the 80s, and posting it to Facebook for a good public laugh at the hilarious hair decisions that went awry.
That’s a good time, right there. Well, what will your grandchildren have to laugh about? You sit there with your perfectly sleek GHD tamed hair thinking about how photogenic you are, but little do you know you’re contributing to the misery of future generations.
If you’ve ever read a newspaper or seen Upworthy you’ll be acutely aware that the world is going to hell in a handbasket and there’s sod all you can do about it. Your grandchildren are likely to look back at photos of you and cry about how you had electricity, fresh air, hand cream, plastic stuff and civilisation. Your hair adventures could be the only chance they have to crack a smile. Why are you ruining that one crack of merriment possible in the bleak, dystopian future we’re all hurtling towards? Why?