Recently I had to make a bingo card for a friend. This was a book based bingo card for schoolboys, and once they had read all the books on the card they got a free pizza. I wish business enterprise was that eager to feed me while I read.
Anyways, it got me to thinking. First I thought of making a reading bingo card for the tube, to help you with your literary decisions. Then I realised that this blog isn’t that cerebral. No one comes here for book advice. You’re here squarely for the dick jokes (note to self, make more dick jokes). To top it all off, the more I think about it, the more I realise that the tube is a pretty interesting place to be if you’re paying attention. So, to help you to while away your time on the Underground I’ve put together this handy tube bingo card. Or maybe it’s a scavenger hunt. Up to you really. This is one for the people watchers. Once you’ve marked off everyone on this list be sure to send it in a stamped, self addressed envelope (to yourself, naturally) and you have my full permission to think about a nice fruit basket. Happy hunting.
You must find:
1. The roaming busker
The person who sings on the damn train. Extra points if they have a guitar with them. Seriously, what are you meant to do with this person? Are they panhandling? Are they hoping for a record deal? Because all they’re doing is making everyone uncomfortable.
2. The guidance seeker
The nervous tourist who finds someone non-threatening (that’s you) and continually asks for confirmation that they’re on the right train, and where they should get off and change and just generally what they have to do travel wise for the next 6 days of their life. Congratulations, you have a new best friend.
3. The manipulative loner
The person with the terrifying dog, who has at least a third of the carriage to themselves. This isn’t fair. I’m stuck over here with Sweaty McStinky because he’s less likely to puncture my skin than your friend Bitey O’Rottweiler.
4. The Social Moth
Kinda like a social butterfly, but ickier and clingier. The person who sees somebody they vaguely know and decides to sit with them and have an awkward conversation that lasts too long, rather than doing the decent thing and popping into the next carriage. God knows what happens if they both have to get off at the same stop.
5. The Comedian
The tube worker in control of any loud speaker system who thinks they’re funny. People should have to earn microphone points before being given this responsibility. Remember, you’re dealing with people in the morning, first thing, sometimes before they’ve even had a chance to have coffee.
6. The Dawn Boozer
The person drinking alcohol at inappropriate o’clock. Out of a can. With a plastic bag filled with more booze at their feet.
7. The Teeny Bopper
The person with the loud headphones who doesn’t realise that everyone can hear their embarrassing musical choices. I’m talking about 37 year old balding commuters with SClub7 blaring full bore
8. Super Interesting Person
The person you are desperate to look at again, but you’re too afraid to, because you’ve been caught looking at them before and now it’s weird. But you need to look again!
9. Underground Spy
The person who wears sunglasses thousands of feet below the surface of the earth (ok, I have no idea how far down the tube lines go, and I’m too lazy to look it up) so they think that you can’t see them looking at you (this is me, FYI). Either that or they have conjunctivitis.
10. Filthy Book Perv
The person with a book. Hard copy. An actual physical book with pages in it. Not an eReader or tablet. But it’s in a cover. Maybe something crafty and homemade. But, because they choose to put the book in a protective cover (colourful material, felt, collage, used handkerchiefs, god knows what) you know they’re reading something kinky. Or Mein Kampf. Or they’ve hollowed out a book and filled the hole in with a tablet and have surreptitiously taken a photo of Super Interesting Person and now have the ability to gawk at leisure.
11. The person who moves
You were sitting next to me. Now a lot of seats have opened up and you have moved. Should I be offended? Do I smell? Do I appear to be ill with something contagious? I mean, I am happy for the extra space, as I assume you are, but I still don’t know how to feel about this. Why don’t you love me?!
12. The Possessive Pole Dancer
Oh, I’m sorry, I can understand how you thought that pole was just for you, and not for everyone on the train to enjoy. It fits your back so perfectly, even in spite of the fact that you’re now just leaning on my hand, hoping I’ll let go. This is a battle of wills, and knuckles are coming out. At odd angles, no less.